Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park
by Blackspiderman
Summary: FGRT Episode 3. The Griffins head to South Park for the next gig. They meet the boys of South Park, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, & Kenny. While there, Peter reveals something that shakes up Stewie & Kyle's lives followed by more chaos from Peter to them. Rated T.
1. Cruel Irony

**Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)**

**Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye**

**Chapter 1: Cruel Irony**

**Disclaimer: _South Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

* * *

_(Cue South Park Theme Song)_

_I'm going down to South Park  
Gonna have myself a time  
Friendly faces every where,  
humble folks without temtation._

_Going down to South Park  
Gonna leave my woes behind  
Ample parking day or night,  
People spouting HOWDY NEIGHBOR!_

_Headin' up to South Park  
Gonna see if I can't unwind_  
_**(Muffled)  
**I like f#cking silly bitches  
And my penis knows I like it_

_So come on down to South Park  
And meet some friends of mine._

_(End South Park Theme Song)  
_

* * *

We rejoin our family on the open road, with Brian, Stewie, & Frank riding in the tour bus, and the rest of the family riding in the car. Peter was on the phone with Brian.

"No way, Brian. There is no way that Chris Brown is gay. There is no way!" He kept shouting into the phone. "OK--OK, Brian, Brian. G-Get-Get me the proof--Get me some proof of him doing it with some gay guy and I'll believe it. Otherwise, you're just talking out of your ass! Y-You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, man!" Peter hung up the phone in frustration and cupped his eyebrows. "Dumbass. He has no idea what he's talking about."

"Peter, shouldn't you be paying attention to the road?" Lois asked, paying close attention to the road, seeing that the tour bus ahead of them had already stopped ahead into another town, but Peter wasn't paying attention, and going at 55 mph, he was going to crash.

"Don't worry about it, Lois. I always watch the road. I don't miss a thing." Peter assured her. However, when he looked forward towards the road, he immediately screamed, slammed on the brakes, and stopped the car before it crashed into the bus. "See, Lois?" He said to Lois, turning to her. "I don't miss a thing."

Peter got out of his car triumphantly and attempted to cross the street, only to narrowly avoid being hit by a passing car which was driven by an intoxicated bisexual. "Hey up yours, you jerk!" He yelled to the passing driver and he stormed off back towards the car.

The bus and car made their way into the town, and parked right in near a small house in a small neighborhood in the small town of 'South Park'.

Peter stepped out of his car and took in a breath of the fresh air of their new temporary home. "Ahh, there's nothing I like more than the fresh air of a warm, winter day. How about you, Brian?" He asked his dog as he stepped out of the bus. "This is the life."

"Peter, it's the middle of June."

"Oh it is? It is? Well, I'm sorry. You'll have to forgive me. I only assumed it's winter because of the f#cking snow on the ground!" Peter shouted, pointing out that there was indeed snow on the ground. "If it's not winter, then what it is, Brian? Huh?"

"Um...summer. Peter, it's the middle of June. I-I don't understand why there's snow on the ground."

"Well maybe we entered some sort of parallel universe. Oh well, nothing to worry about now. I gotta get going." Peter said as he put on a viking helmet and started to leave.

"Wait, Peter! Where are you going?" Lois asked him furiously.

"Don't you know anything, Lois? Today, of all days!"

"What's so special about today, dad?" Chris asked.

"Well, Chris, today...you become a man. Because today is Weasel Stomping Day!"

And as if out of nowhere, he, along with many other random people that just so happened to be there, broke out into a song.

_Faces filled with joy and cheer  
What a magical time of year  
Howdy-ho it's Weasel Stomping Day_

_Put your viking helmet on  
Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn  
Don't you know it's Weasel Stomping Day (Weasel Stomping Day)_

_All of the little girls and boys  
Love that wonderful crunching noise  
You all know what this day's about  
When you stomp those weasels' guts right out_

_So come along and have a laugh  
Snap their weaselly spines in half  
Grabs your boots and stomp your cares away  
Hip-hip-hooray it's Weasel Stomping Day!_

Peter joined in every body's merriment and started looking for Weasels and stomping on them real hard, causing them to spill their guts and their spines out. There was blood splattered all over the streets. Even Stewie started to join in the fun, and smashed several dozen Weasels to their deaths.

_People up and down the street  
Crushing weasels beneath their feet  
Why we do it who can say  
But it's such a festive holiday_

_So let the stomping fun begin  
Bash their weaselly skulls right in  
It's tradition, that makes it OK  
Hey everyone it's Weasel Stomping  
(We'll have some fun on Weasel Stomping)  
Put down your gun it's Weasel Stomping Day_

_Hip-hip-hooray it's Weasel Stomping Day!  
(Weasel Stomping Day)_

**A/N: You have Weird Al Yankovic and Robot Chicken to thank. That was a take on the "Weasel Stomping Day" song by Weird Al Vankovic, the very song which another of my favorite shows, Robot Chicken, which is owned by Seth Green, parodied.**

Everyone soon broke out into loud cheering, having killed every single Weasel in South Park. Everyone was happy, even Stewie.

"Oh my god, that was so fun!" Stewie shouted in between cheers. "Let's do this again next year, only this time let's use little kitties. That'll make even more red stuff!"

Unfortunately, what they also succeeded in doing was pissing off four small boys that came into the picture, horrified. One of them, named Kyle Broflovski, was wearing a bright orange coat with a green ear-flapped cap, dark green pants, and lime-green gloves. One, named Stan Marsh, wore brown jacket, blue denim jeans, red gloves/mittens, and a red-brimmed blue knit cap adorned with a decorative red pom-pon. Another one, a real fat kid named Eric "Cartman", wore a red coat, brown pants, yellow gloves, and a yellow-brimmed turquoise knit cap tapered with a yellow pom-pon. And the fourth one named Kenny McCormick, wore a bright orange parka hood, with the hood drawn tightly over his face, so his speech is severly muffled.

"Dude, what the hell are you doing!?" Stan shouted to everyone.

"You killed all of our weasels!" Kyle shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you people, you sick bastards!?"

"What's the big deal, here?"

"Dude, you people are sick!"

"Yeah! You completely destroyed our science fair projects! We were gonna videotape these weasels having sex with each other and then giving birth! And then we were gonna sell the little babies on the internet!" Stan shouted.

"Yeah, way to go, buttf#ckers!" Cartman shouted, the least angry of the four because he really didn't care about the weasels.

"Besides, Weasel Stomping Day isn't until tomorrow." Kenny muffled through his hood.

"Yeah, you pe--wait, what?"

"You mean Weasel Stomping Day is actually _real_!?" Kyle asked in a shocked tone.

"Well of course it. Ever since our great American ancestor Osama bin laden crossed the ancient Egyptian river of Guatamala to see his dying son before the lord took him to his sanction. Ever since then, the Weasels were created and resented because Eve took a bite from the Holy tree of Magic Johnson." Peter explained to them in great detail. His historic facts were all wrong but you have to admire his enthusiasm. Nobody, though, was impressed. Some were even mortified or horrified."

"Uh, Peter, what the hell are you talking about?" Brian tried to ask.

"The origin of our great nation's finest hour. Weasel Stomping Day, of course." Peter replied, gleaming to them. Everyone stood confused, scratching their heads.

"Dude, there is no such thing as Weasel Stomping Day!" Kyle yelled to the fat white American.

"Oh really? There isn't? Well show me the history book and I'll believe you. Show me Obama's laws, and I'll trust it." He was now shouting. "Show me your ass, and I'll f#ck it!" Everyone gasped at that last bit, even Peter.

"What!?"

"Oh my god, I am sorry. I am so sorry. When I get angry like that, it's usually because I've reminisced on a trial that I wasn't pleased with the results."

"You mean the O.J. Simpson murder trial?" Lois asked.

"No, I mean the time Heathcliff took Garfield to court. I was actually there.

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to a courtroom where the case of Heathcliff vs. Garfield is about to begin. Peter is the bailiff._

_"Cat Court is now is session!" He yelled._

_"We will now hear the case of Garfield vs. Heathcliff." The judge said as he banged his gavel. Healthcliff, the plantiff, entered first, followed by the defendant, Garfield, carrying a suitcase. The two took their podiums, and the judge gave the go-ahead to Heathcliff._

_"I was in the funny papers for five freakin' years before this crappy knock-off!" Heathcliff hissed to the jury._

_"Your honor, if I may, I'd like to present this afidavid." Garfield rebuttle as he opened his suitcase only to reveal a small piece of lasagna. "Oh. Sorry, you're honor. I'm on a lasagna diet. I see lasagna, I eat it." He rolled his eyes towards the jury, hoping to spur some laughter. The only thing, however, he spurred was hatred from them, and from Heathcliff._

_"Aww, that jokes sucks, man. Even for you!" Heathcliff yelled._

_The judge banged his hammer. "The court agrees that joke sucked. Gentlemen, I am afraid we are at a standstill. There's only one way to settle this argument. Catfight!" He yelled as the lights started dimming. The two cats gathered in the middle of the courtroom and started brawling it out. Heathcliff gave the first punch and even started to claw Garfield's eyes out. He grabbed Heathcliff and threw him onto the ground. It was now that the jury, which was entirely made up of cats, started throwing things into the ring. Heathcliff grabbed a tireiron, while Garfield grabbed...er, a plate of lasagna._

_"Oh cruel irony." He mumbled before being struck hard in the face with the tireiron. Garfield threw the plate of lasagna at Heathcliff, and then grabbed a little kitten to protect himself as Heathcliff scratched him and then threw him out a window. Then Garfield grabbed Heathcliff and stuffed his face into a litterbox._

_"Eat it! Eat it! Die, die!"_

_The judge banged his gavel. He had seen enough. "Enough! We have a champion! The court finds in favor of Garfield." Garfield took in the victory for a short moment, before clutching his chest in "pain"._

_"Heart...attack...from decades...of only...eating..." Peter, however, was not impressed, and immediately saw that this was another lasagna joke Garfield was trying to pull. Fed up with the jokes, Peter pulled out his starter gun, and shot Garfield in the head, killing him. Gasps spread throughout the courtroom. "Um...I'm sorry. I just, I couldn't take another freakin' lasagna joke."_

_Jon Arbuckle, Garfield's owner, however, was thrilled beyong belief. "Oh, gods be praised! I'm free!! FREE!!!" He cheered as Garfield's dead body lay on the floor beneath him._

_(End Cutaway)_

"Dude, what the f#ck does a cat court have to do with our dead weasels?" Stan asked, snapping Peter out of his flashback.

"Dead We...oh my god, Lois!?" He looked down and studied all of the weasels he and the other people had killed during their gay musical montage. "Why didn't you tell me it was Weasel Stomping Day!? I would've gotten my condoms!"

The four boys just murmured and exchanged angry and confused glances.

"What the hell do condoms have to do with 'Weasel Stomping Day'!?" Cartman asked, shouting to keep Peter's attention.

"Seriously, he's like 'King Retard'!" Kyle jumped in. "This guy couldn't tell an 'Oboe' from an 'Elbow'. Get it?" He decided to go for the joke, but sadly, nobody bought it. Mixed chatter was heard amonst the towns people.

"Aw, dude, Kyle, that was horrible." Stan said.

"Yeah, you suck at telling jokes." Kenny muffled. The four boys began to have a heated argument, one which intrigued Peter for some odd reason.

"Well, I wouldn't have to tell these sh#tty jokes if 'Weasel Stomping Day' didn't exist!" Kyle retorted back.

"Oh that's so typical of you grade-schoolers!" Stewie retorted back to Kyle angrily. "Trying to defend your crappy joke telling skills. You just ru-ined my day!"

"Well I--wait, what?"

"You rui-ined my good mood. My mood is ru-ined because of you!"

"Why are you saying it like that?"

"What? I'm just pointing out my day is ru-ined!"

"Hmm...horrible joke telling skills..." Peter said to himself while the four boys continued to argue.

"I mean...what the hell _is _Weasel Stomping Day, anyway? Why would we want to kill such innocent animals for amusement anyway?"

"Uptight structure..."

"It makes no sense at all and I don't see the fun in celebrating it!"

"Non-Christian passion...oh my god, where have I seen this before?" Peter began pondering. "Uh...ok, it wasn't _Passion of the Christ,_ or _Are We There Yet?_...or _Dragonball Evolution_..." While Peter was pondering on these thoughts, the boys' parents, Sharon & Randy Marsh, Sheila & Gerald Broflovski, Liane Cartman, and Carol & Stuart McCormick, stormed in, wearing viking helmets and giant shoes, obviously also into the 'Weasel Stomping Day' spirit.

"OK, let's squish some f#cking weas--oh, goddammit! Goddammit, did we miss it, _again_!?" Carol shouted, angry that all of the weasels were already dead.

"Oh damn, we seemed to have missed 'Weasel Stomping Day'." Liane calmly said. She didn't really care for it, but supported everyone else's love for it.

"What the hell is 'Weasel Stomping Day'?" Peter asked, which completely dumbfounded everyone. "Today's Wednesday."

"Peter, you just sang a f#cking song about it!" Lois said in anger, having a hard time controlling it.

"Yeah, you even stomped on more weasels than anyone here." Brian added, also picking up a trophy and giving it to Peter. "By the way, here's your trophy."

"They give out trophies for stomping on animals?" Stewie asked in a baffled tone. "Ugh. You people are annoying the crap out of me. In fact, the only thing more annoying is having to stand behind a black guy at the airport."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to an airport line, where Stewie is waiting to board a plane. There is only one person ahead of him, but it is a tall, black guy._

_"May I have your name, sir?" The lady at the register asked._

_"Shaquille O'Neal."_

_"Could you spell that?"_

_"Certainly. That's 'Shaquille O'Neal'. S, as in 'Sean, look, it's Shaquille O'Neal'. H, as in 'Hey, look over there, it's Shaquille O'Neal'. A, as in 'Ashley, I'd like you to meet my father, Shaquille O'Neal'. Q, as in 'Quick, look over there, it's Shaquille O'Neal'. U, as in 'U won't believe this, but I'm a huge fan of Shaquille O'Neal'. I, as in 'I don't know if you know this, but my favorite black guy is Shaquille O'Neal'. L, as in 'Look, it's Shaquille O'Neal'. L, as in 'Look, it's Shaquille O'Neal'. E, as in 'E-gad, it's Shaquille O'Neal. Space. O, as in 'Oh my friggin god, it's Shaquille O'Neal!' Apostrophe. N, as in 'No way, that's Shaquille O'Neal'. E, as in 'Everyone loves Shaquille O'Neal'. A, as in 'And the winner is Shaquille O'Neal. L, as in 'Look over at that tall guy. That's Shaquille O'Neal'. Shaquille O'Neal."_

_The lady was typing in his name, while Stewie groaned and cupped his eyes. The lady looked up at Shaq. "I'm sorry, I'm didn't catch that. Could you spell that again."_

_Stewie cursed loudly and angrily._

_(End Cutaway)_

"So what's the big deal? So a lady asked Alfonso Riberio to have sex with her and he denied it. What's so wrong about statures?" Peter asked, completely ignoring the entire flashback. Stewie cursed under his breath, while the four boys shook their heads and exchanged confused glances.

"Dude, do you even listen to yourself when you talk?" Kyle asked Peter.

"I agree. You're not even making sense." Sheila added, which thus caused a light bulb to light up in Peter.

"That's it! I got it, now!" He shouted as he rushed over to Sheila and Kyle. "Hey lady, lady? Is your family Jewish?"

"Ye-Yes..."

"Are you a middle aged woman who is married to a Jewish man?"

"Uh-huh."

"Is your name Sheila Broflovski?"

"Why, yes. Yes it is."

"Oh how wonderful!" Peter gleed in happiness, and he ran over and picked up Kyle, and gave him a tight hug. "Then this must be little Kyle! Oh I've missed you so!" Peter began dancing around and spinning like a horny schoolgirl, cheering and kissing Kyle all over. Everyone else looked on in shock and dismay. Stan and Stewie were probably the most in shock.

"Dude, is that your dad?" Stan asked Stewie. Stewie hesitated in his answer and simply gave Stan a disgusted look.

"If I say no, will you adopt me?"

"No. Seriously, what is he doing to my best friend?"

"Well, from my perspective and my experience from tragically having him as a father, he's either trying to rape him or kill him. We'll just have to stay tuned and watch." Stewie turned to the camera. "That's right, folks. You'll just have to tune in to see what happens. Of course, if you'd rather watch two grade-schoolers jack off to Chinese pornography that's all quite alright with us." He reached into his back pocket and took out a bottle of Ipecac, and some pain-killers, and passed them towards the camera. "See? There you go. You know, just in case...I'm about as freaked out as you are, and even more than that time I played in the sandbox at the playground with Brian."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the park, where Steiwe is digging up sand in the sandbox. He stops when he sees something he doesn't like, and looks mortified._

_"Brian!" He yells as he slowly pulls out what appears to be the skeleton of an old dog. "I found Todd!"_

_(End Cutaway)_

**End of Chapter 1!**

**A/N: The "Weasel Stomping Day" and "Cat Court" jokes are from Robot Chicken, and they can be seen from the adultswim website. (Weasel Stomping Day actually belongs to Weird Al Vankovic). The 'I found Todd' bit is a play on the "I Found Dad" sketch, also from "Robot Chicken".**

**Next Time: What the hell is the matter with Peter? Why is he going crazy over Kyle? And what mischief could he possibly cause with these boys? More on that on the 11 o' clock news. Ha, no, no, I'm just joking. You'll just have to wait until April 12th.**


	2. Oh no you Di in't!

**Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)**

**Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye**

**Chapter 2: Oh No You Di-in't!**

**Disclaimer: _South Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

* * *

"Well, folks, we're back. Thank you for being patient and for not writing death threats to Peter. I'm sure this'll all be cleared up in a moment." Stewie said to the camera calmly, while Peter was still...er, doing _something_ to Kyle, we have no idea what.

Peter was still...apparently, smothering Kyle with love and affection for who the f#ck knows why? Kyle had no choice but to take it like a gentlemen. Cartman was getting a kick out of it, and everyone else, including Stewie, was mortified.

"OK, so the fat man's cracked. What else is new?" Stewie said while Peter was still smothering Kyle.

Peter, meanwhile, was enjoying his smothering of Kyle, for reasons unknown. "Oh my god, I missed you so much, Kyle! I missed you! Yes I did! Yes I did!" Peter slowly started talking in baby talk. "Oh your butt still feels like a ham, just like I remember! So sexy and...like Jet Travolta before he died of a seizure."

Now everyone was completely mortified. Finally, Peter let up and put Kyle down gently. Kyle was nonetheless horified, pissed off, and angry. "What the hell was that, you dumb f#ck-wad!?" He shouted to Peter, who only gave him a dirty look.

"Now that's no way to talk to your father, young man!"

"Father!?" Lois shouted, and in a fit of rage, ran over to Peter & Kyle. "Peter, what the _hell_ are you keeping from me!?"

"Oh, oh that's right, Lois. I forgot to tell you and the kids...oh boy, this is, uh...very awkward." Peter wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Peter, you know that whatever you're hiding you can tell me, right? Besides, if it involves a child, then you should definitely tell us."

"Alright, Lois. But I don't think you or the kids'll like it." He took in a deep breath. "Alright, here it is. About 10 years ago, Lois and I went through a period of what is known as a "vaginal slump", also known to the Red-necks as "He-She" period."

"Don't you mean "marrital slump"?"

"Yeah. What'd I say?"

"Vaginal slump."

"AHAHAHAHA! Anyway, we decided to go through a trial seperation, and so I moved out and came here to South Park. There, I met Sheila. We hit it off right away and for two months, started seeing each other non-stop. And then came one night where..."

"Oh my god, Peter! You didn't!?"

"Unfortunately we did. We had sex."

"Oh but it was _my _fault!" Sheila jumped in. "You see, at the time I was a nymphomaniac and I couldn't control myself."

"Oh, _THAT'S_what nymphomania is!?" Peter asked, having truly not known what is was for all this time. "Oh I just thought you were saying that because you were a scaredy cat. Wow, I am sorry." He then turned back to his wife. "Yeah, and besides, Lois, it was _one_ time. _One_ time!"

"Yes, Peter. But that one time could've been enough to make you the father of this Jew?"

"I'm still here, you know!?" Kyle shouted angrily, taking offense.

"Lois, I never got a paternity test for this child, because I feared I would have to leave you and tend to this douchebag's needs."

"Do you even listen to yourself?" Kyle once again barked.

"Peter, this is serious. This could be our fifth child for god's sake!!!"

"Fifth?" Stan asked in confusion, seeing that there were only three Griffin children, Chris, Meg, and Stewie, plus Kyle.

"Oh yeah. We had another child before me. Peter Griffin Jr." Stewie explained.

"What happened to him?"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the cemetary, and Lois is crying into Peter hysterically. The tombstone says "Peter Griffin Jr."_

_"It-It's just so horrible."_

_"I'm sorry, Lois." Peter said calmly. "I thought if I shook him enough he'd stop crying." He looked at her and paused for a brief moment. "I was kind of right."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"So dad, what I'm understanding is-" Chris said after the flashback, trying to understand the situation as a whole. "This Jewish child whom looks a lot like Jessica Simpson could be our brother!?"

"Yes, that's about it." Peter replied calmly.

"Holy sh#t!" Stewie & Kyle both yelled as they stared at eahc other for a long moment. "Damn, this is even more disasterous than the time Peter sold our house on "Clean House."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the Griffins standing outside their home, or what used to be their home, as the people from '"Clean House" start to take away everything from within the home, and even put the house on foreclosure._

_Lois gives Peter an angry death glare, while Peter just stands there and counts the money in his hands. He looks over at Lois._

_"What!? I did what you asked. I got rid of everything." He tried to fight back._

_"Yeah, **everything**! Peter, you were only supposed to get rid of the things that were crowding our house! Now we have **no** house!"_

_"Yeah, but we do have money!" Peter shouted as he held up the money to Lois's face. It was $350,000 worth of it. But, it wasn't what he thought. Lois took the money and looked it over._

_"Peter, they scammed us. This is monopoly money."_

_"Oh it is?" Peter asked, as Lois just nodded yes. "Son of a bitch!" Peter wided his eyes open as he realized what he did. He looked behind him to one of the trucks carrying his stuff away. Peter, in rage, took out a machine gun, and started shooting maniacally at the truck, and eventually, the truck blew up and was forced to make a crash landing, and it swirved right into Cleveland's house._

_The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when it crashed, and when it did, the debree from his house fell. He was in the bathtub when this happened, and when the front of his house was destroyed, so was the debree that was holding up the floorboard._

_The floorboard slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. The truck that had crashed into the home had been lit on fire and the driver was killed. One of Peter's records, his 'Surifin' Bird' record to be exact, rolled out of the truck unharmed and made his way to Cleveland. He picked it up before being viciously yelled at by Peter, "Drop it!" to let it go._

_(End Cutaway)_

* * *

So after the entire situation, the Griffins decided to get moved into their new home. Kyle came over and helped Stewie unpacked his things into his room. Stewie was definitely displeased with his room. It was very small, it had a satelite TV, and two of the lamps had dead lightbulbs in them.

"Hey, thanks for coming over to help me unpack my things into my room...what was your name, Kyle?" Stewie said to Kyle as he started to unpack his suitcase on his...broken down bed.

"No problem, dude. I figured since we're probably brothers and all, it's the least I could do." Kyle said back to him, feeling kind of awkward around Stewie considering what Peter had said. Kyle wouldn't really help Stewie unpack, and instead spent his time twittling his fingers. Stewie immediately caught on.

"Dude, you're not gay, are you?"

"No, hell no! I just-I just feel awkward around you because...well, for god's sake, you could be my brother."

"Yeah, for some reason, I'm really not buying what the fat man's trying to sell. He's trying to pass off that he slept with a Jewish mother ten years ago and made _you_!? I don't see that happening! After all, everyone knows that the only way that people of two religions could mate is if the female is a transvestite. But you know, if it were true, I really wouldn't mind."

"You wouldn't?"

"Well, not really. You seem like a very intelectual and highly moral person. Very mature for your age. Normally, I'd hate that for a person, but after working with _him_(Peter) for ten years, it's nice to see some change in our cast, though I've got to admitI've got to show you my arsenal." Stewie unpacked his suitcase and took out some of his past inventions. "See, we've got my weather device that allowed me to change the weather...um, let's see...my turbo-time rewinder, which, when aimed at a person, can rewind their actions for up to 5 minutes...uh, oh this is fun." He took out a remote control with a big blue button on it. "This button omits a sound that only Jet Travolta can hear."

"Cool. Let me try it!" Kyle wanted to use it so badly, but Stewie gave him an angry glare, like he was f#cking stupid or something.

"Are you f#cking stupid or something!? He's dead! He died of a seizure."

"Well this is news to me, pal! Jeez, it's like I have to know everything around here."

"Oh there you go again. This is what the fatman was talking about!" Stewie said to him, pointing out Kyle's irritability. "You really ought to stop being such a sCHtick in the mud."

"Hey man, just be glad I'm just ir-wait, what?"

"I said you should stop being such a sCHtick in the mud. You know, you just seem so tense and uptight about things, you should learn to relax."

"I'm a what? I'm a sCHtick in the mud? Is that what you said?"

"You're not really getting this whole sCHtick in the mud thing, are you?"

"That's not how you say 'Stick', man."

"What?"

"Say 'Stool'."

"Stool."

"Now say 'Stick'."

"SCHtick."

"Stick."

"SCHtick."

"Stick."

"SCHtick."

"Stick!"

"SCHtick."

"You're a dumbass, you know that!?"

"Oh there you go _again_!? You're even tighter than an airlock, and that could cause some serious health problems like heart diseases or prostitution."

While Kyle & Stewie continued to argue, Kyle's little adopted Canadian brother, Ike, came into the room, looking very uncomfortable. "Kyle, I made a tinkle." He said in his cute baby voice. Stewie noticed him standing at the door and looked intrigued.

"Why hello there, you. Who is this charming fellow?" Stewie asked Kyle as he made his way over to Ike.

"This is my little brother, Ike."

"He doesn't look Jewish."

"He's actually Canadian. He's adopted."

"Oh. Really? Well...that makes this a bit awkward...it's bad enough I could have you as a brother but now I have to put up with..._this_!?"

Ike, upon hearing Stewie insult him, held up the finger to him, yet still showed him his happy-go-lucky attitude.

"Sassy, eh? I like him. He's even nicer than that old man I tried to help out when I was a scout trooper. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? Everyone knows old people are tools!"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Stewie as he walks up the stairs to a nice old man's home. Stewie knocks on the door and an old man, Carl Fredrickson, steps out, looking very grumpy._

_"Good afternoon, sir. Are you in need of any assistance?" Stewie gleefully asks him._

_"No." Carl responds dryly._

_"I could...help you cross the street?"_

_"No."_

_"I could...help you cross your yard?"_

_"No."_

_"I could...help you...cross your..."_

_"No." Carl responded before Stewie finished, closing his front door, evidently on Stewie's foot._

_"Ow."_

_(End Cutaway)_

* * *

While Kyle and Stewie settled, Peter had left his house to try and get re-acquainted with South Park. He stepped out only three steps from his home when he suddenly saw his neighbor, Glenn Quagmire, come up to the driveway. "Hey Peter!"

"Quagmire, what are you doing here?"

"Well Peter, just because you're away on vacation doesn't mean we should miss out on our monthly "Get Wasted and Raise Hell" night."

"Oh shoot, that's tonight!? Damn, I completely forgot!"

"Yep..."

"Now what's the real reason?"

"Oh, well this is the only city in Colorodo in which I haven't banged chicks." Quagmire moved to show Peter some women passing by, as Quagmire became horny. "Alright!"

"Well I'm glad _you're _having fun."

"Whoa, what's with the crankiness, bud? Haven't I told you to always take a drink _before_ you arrive?"

"It's not that, Quagmire. That-That _secret_ I've been keeping from my family for the past ten years...I just told them."

"Peter it's been ten years. What secret?"

"You know the one with the fat lady here who's Jewish--"

"OH yeah...yeah...that. Wow, sorry about that, Peter. But I know what's going to cheer you up. How about a nice day of "Get Wasted and Raise Hell"?"

"Alright, let's do this!"

"Cool! I told Joe and Cleveland to meet us across the street. We're gonna start smashing up mailboxes."

"Wait, Joe and Cleveland are here, too?"

"Uh, yep. Well, actually, Cleveland said he couldn't make it because he was 'taking a bath'. What a dick."

"Oh. Well Joe's still in, right?"

"Yessir."

Peter looked stunned and pissed off at Quagmire for a moment. But then his attitude suddenly changed. "You are the best perverted, elderly friend ever!" (**The "Elderly" part being a reference to "FOX-y Lady" where Quagmire reveals he is actually 61 years old).**

And so Peter and Quagmire ran over to the other side of the street and then started making their way around the neighborhood, hitting random houses and smashing up their mailboxs, ripping up their mail, and...in a strange twist, urinating in their mailboxes.

After hitting several houses, they came to another house, which was Stan's house. They each took turns hitting his mailbox with their bats, and then Joe used his upper body strength to rip it off its post and throw it to the ground, where each of them took turns kicking it to oblivion. Outraged, Stan ran outside at break-neck speed to try and stop them. Unfortunately for him, the three friends were already drunk off their asses.

"What the hell are you guys doing!?" He yelled, trying to make them stop. "That's my mailbox, you jackass!"

"It _used_ to be, kid." Peter said, slurred. "Now it's our bitch."

"What!? Dude, that doesn't make any sense!"

"Of-Of course it does...kid, w-why the hell a-are you sp-sp-spi-spinning like that? You're making m-me dizzy!"

"I'm not spinning, you f#cking idiot."

"Oh-oh, you're not? Oh I'm sorry, kid. I'm out of it, today. I-I got drunk."

"I can see that! Now if you don't mind, I'm going to get the hell outta here because I'm going to meet my girlfriend, Wendy."

"Oh cool, you got a whore you can f#ck around in bed...you know, like the astronauts!?"

"No, we do not have sex. We just see each other frequently and we get along really well, alright? Jeez, what is the matter with you, dumbass?"

"Jesus CHrist, you are just like your Jew friend. Such a sCHtick in the mud."

"Yeah well, you're a--wait what?" Quagmire said.

"I said "He's such a sCHtick in the mud." He can't just let bygones be bygones. He has to pick at every little thing. Only sCHticks in the mud do that."

"Did-Did you-Did you just say ''sCHtick in the mud''? Is that what you said?"

"Yeah, he won't let me make my jokes, so he's a sCHtick in the mud."

"That's not how you say 'Stick', Peter." Joe said.

"What? SCHtick?"

"What would you poke at a lion to wake it up?"

"A stick."

"And what would you consider this kid?" Quagmire interveined.

"Oh, a sCHtick in the mud, of course. He's too insensitive to let me crack my jokes, that filthy sCHtick in the mud."

"OK, you're a real jackass, you know that, Peter?" Quagmire asked, frustrated now, his good mood ruined. As they were about to argue, Wendy, Stan's girlfriend, came in looking cheery and happy.

"Hey Stan."

"Dammit, Wendy! I thought we agreed that I'd meet you at your house and then we'd go to the movies!"

"I thought I'd save you the trouble. Besides, the movie theater is closer to your house. SO, who're your new friends--"

"AHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT!" Peter screamed as he saw Wendy there. He mistook her for someone else and immediately grabbed her, and thrashed her onto Joe's wheelchair. He then lifted the wheelchair up and threw it so far the naked eye couldn't see it after it got far up into the sky. Stan looked at Peter like he was looking at someone who was insane. Peter noticed this, and took note. "What? That was a lesbian, wasn't it?"

Meanwhile, Joe and Wendy, still in the wheelchair, screaming their hearts out, ended up heading towards Cleveland's House (in South Park, since Quagmire mentioned earlier that he, Joe, and Cleveland had moved here) and crashing into it.

The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when the wheelchair crashed into it, and when it did, the debree from his house fell. He was in the bathtub when this happened, and as Joe and Wendy fell to the ground, so did the debree that was holding up the floorboard.

The floorboard slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. Wendy and Joe both got up and dusted themselves off. Joe didn't even realize he was upright until he was completely standing up.

"Oh my god! I can walk! I CAN WALK! IT'S A MIRACLE!!" Joe squealed as he started jumping up and down in glory. Cleveland, angry at what had happened (again), grabbed a bat and squng it hard at Joe's legs, knocking him to the ground and re-handicapping him.

**End of Chapter 2**

**Next Time: Kyle introduces Stewie to the gang, while Peter and friends go on a rampage of hell around South Park. How will the towns people take to this, especially Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny.**

**Expected Update: April 28th.**

**Also, be on the lookout for a new story I'm working on. Look at my profile for more details.**


	3. Whose Leg Do Ya Have to Hump? Part 1

**Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)**

**Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye**

**Chapter 3: Whose Leg Do Ya Have To Hump To Get Some Friends?**

**Disclaimer: _South Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

* * *

Meanwhile, Kyle was supposed to meet Cartman and Kenny at the video game store, and so he decided to bring Stewie along to introduce his new possible brother to his friends. Suffice to say, Stewie was already cool enough to replace Cartman as the fourth member of their group.

Kyle and Stewie walked into the video game store, and whilst Kyle went immediately to his friends, Stewie went right to the game shelves, and pulled out a game called "Heroin Hero".

"Let's see..." Stewie carefully read the game label, and was far from pleased. "What the f#ck!? They make a game based on a drug? Ah, this is BS, man! BS!" Stewie, furious, ran over towards Kyle, who was trying to convince Kenny and Cartman not to judge Stewie for possibly being another sibling.

"Dude, your Jew life is really screwed up, man." Cartman bragged to Kyle, enjoying every moment of this possible new twist.

"Look, he may not be related to be after all, but until we find out, could you please not judge him? He's probably not even Jewish."

"I can. But I don't know if _he_can!" Kenny muffled through his orange coat, pointing to Cartman.

"Hey! I can be just as nice to this foot-ball headed sh#tface as you guys!"

"Cartman!!"

Stewie came running in, looking distraught. "Kyle! Kyle! Look, they're making games out of drugs, now!" He showed Kyle the game. "It's called 'Hero-in Hero'! You shoot yourself with Hero-in and chase a dragon, but you never catch it!"

"Well, that's the bea--wait, what?"

"I said, this game is horrible because it mentions Hero-in. It's called 'Hero-in Hero' and I think it's bad for this store to be carrying it in."

"Hero-_in _Hero? Is that what you said, you douchebag?" Cartman asked, ignoring Kyle's request not to insult him. Kyle was pissed of, but more interested in his squabble with Stewie.

"Yes, this game has you inject yourself with 'Hero-in' in order for it to work. I think that's completely retarded."

"That's not how you say 'Heroin', punk." Kenny muffled.

"What? I'm just saying I don't think it's right for video game stores to sell games involving drugs such as hero-in."

"Say 'Hero'." Kyle said, now pissed off.

"Hero."

"Now say 'Heroin'."

"Hero-in."

"Heroin."

"Hero-in."

"Heroin!"

"Hero-in!"

"God, you're such an asshole, you f#cking dipsh#t!" Cartman yelled, annoyed as hell. Although he wasn't as annoyed as Kyle was, Cartman had a tendency to keep it in longer, despite his random and retarded outbursts.

"Well, at least I'm not fat. Yeah, you're just a fatty fat fatty fat fat kid, aren't you?" Stewie remarked, able to make a comback like that on numerous occasions. Cartman was taken aback at how quickly Stewie was able to retort. "Yeah, think about that."

At that moment, the radio that was in the store on the counter finished its song, and then a radio announcer came on.

"And for all of you Canadian Television fans of that hit TV shows with those nasty and hillarious Canadian stars "Terrance and Phillip", here's your chance to meet them in person. Just send in a 400 word essay on what you would do with them along with $500 and you just might have the chance to spend an entire day with them. Just send it into to the Canadian Radio Station 103.1 and you could win a free day with Canadian TV stardom. This is your last chance to enter before we f#cking flip you people off, bitches!"

"Oh crap, dude. That contest was due today!?" Cartman exclaimed with great distress.

"Yeah. I sent in my ticket yesterday." Kyle replied.

"Me too." Kenny muffled. "How about you...uh,..."

"Stewie. Oh, and hell no. I'm never getting mixed with those two again. Not after last time."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Stewie Griffin about to get on the bus to return home after an exhausting day with Terrance and Phillip. He appeared to be pissed off._

_"This...was...exhausting." He said angrily to them, hunched over and eyes beat red. "This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined Canadian Television for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable and arrogant duo of jackasses I have ever had the displeasure of spending an extended period of time with; I hope you both f#cking die."_

_"I still have five prize tickets from Dave n' Busters." Terrance commented._

_"There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this!"_

_"Well, then Phillip and I were going to pull ours together for the fuzzy troll pencil topper."_

_"Yeah? You gonna share that?"_

_"Yeah. We were gonna share that!" Phillip jumped in._

_"Really? How's that gonna work?"_

_"Three days at my house, three days at Phillip's, and alternating Sundays." Terrence explained._

_"You live together!?"_

_"I have to pee again." Phillip jumped in, and by now had pushed Stewie over the edge._

_"That's it. Goodbye." He said plainly and angrily as the bus doors closed and he took off back to Rhode Island. As he did, he pulled out a remote and Terrance exploded and sent flying up into the air, and moments later, he ended up landing in Mayor of Quahog Adam West's flower garden, crushing his plants._

_"My daisies! You dick."_

_(End Cutaway) _

**(A/N: You can see that I ripped off and combined parts from "Not all Dogs Go To Heaven" and "Believe it or Not, Joe's Walking on Air" to make this cutaway)**

"Besides, the only reason they're doing it this time around is to promote the show's final episode."

"Wait, what? Final episode?" Cartman asked in disbelief.

"You mean the show's canned!?" Kenny exclaimed.

"Yep, like tuna."

"But that's impossible! Terrance and Phillip is like, the best show on TV!" Kyle exclaimed, shocked as anyone.

"Yeah; _Canadian_ TV! Since more shows are being adapted to the network, they feel it's best to drop the show and make room for others. Yep. And actually, since my encounter with those jackasses, I'm kind of happy to see the show go!"

"Dude, are you nuts!?"

"Yeah, Terrance and Phillip are the best actors of our time!" Kenny muffled through his coat.

"Yes, but they're Canadian, which means they had something to do with September 11th. God, I would adore to meet the moron who wins this contest so I can rub it in his face."

* * *

_Two hours later..._

Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Cartman, and Stewie were walking back into the neighborhood to go home and relax when they suddenly noticed that a bus was pulling in, and when they got to it, they saw that Terrance and Phillip were stepping out of it.

"Excuse me, young children." Phillip said to the five boys. "But we're looking for our contest winner: A Mr. Chris Griffin?"

"_Chris Griffin!?_" Stewie bellowed in absolute shock. "Him!?"

"Yes. Do you know him?"

"Know him? I'm f#cking related to him! How the hell could that jakcass--"

"_AHHHHHHH!"_Came the happy shrieks of a very happy Chris Griffin, as he ran out of the Griffin's new home and sprinted right towards Terrance and Phillip, jumping up and down in glee when he came up to them. "Terrance and Phillip! My favorite Austrian actors of all time! EEEEEE!!"

"Well thank you for your support, kid. But we're Canadian."

"Oh. Well, it still doesn't change how I feel about you guys. You guys are still incredible!"

"Well thank you." Terrance said, accepting the compliment.

"So what are we standing around here like douchebags for? Let's go kick some ass and have some fun!" Chris, Terrance, and Phillip ran into the bus, and then it immediately took off, with Chris cheering and swearing all in the same time. Stan was surprised, Cartman wasn't paying attention, Kenny was perplexed, Kyle was shocked, and Stewie was completely dumbfounded.

"Un-freaking-believable. To think this kid, a kid who's been expelled from school by his own mother, a kid who almost converted in Judaism, could actually win this damn contest. Jeez, what's next? Peter becoming a tree-logger? Oh no, not again."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Peter Griffin in the woods as he is about to chop down a tree for some firewood. He begins chopping down the tree violently until it is clearly cut across the center and begins to tip over. "Tim-ber!" Peter yelled as the tree tipped over and started to fall; the tree was so tall that when it fell, despite it being right in the middle of the woods, it crashed right into Cleveland's house._

_The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when the tree crashed into it, and when it did, the debree from his house fell. He was in the bathtub when this happened, and as the aftermath of the crash was so powerful that it caused the debree that was holding up the floorboard to fall._

_The floorboard slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. Peter ran over to see if Cleveland was OK. _

_"Cleveland, are you OK? My god I am so sorry."_

_"How can you afford to do this stuff!"_

_(End Cutaway)_

"Jeez, you dad's a moron!" Stan exclaimed, with everyone agreeing.

"I know, right!?"

"Oh, that reminds me!" Kyle exclaimed, cutting in between Stan and Stewie. "My mom invited your family over for dinner.. I hope that's OK with you."

"Hey, as long as the fatman doesn't do anything stupid, I'm fine with it."

"Stan, you're coming too, right?"

"Hell yeah! I always look forward to your mom's famous wellingtons."

Upon hearing the word 'Wellington', Stewie's heart immediately dropped and his mood shifted to anger and hate. "Oh crap!"

"What's wrong, dude?"

"I never want to hear the word "Wellington" again. Especially after that time Peter was on Hell's Kitchen."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Peter Griffin in the Blue Kitchen of Hell's Kitchen, and he is preparing his Beef Wellington for an entree. He brings it up to the front for Chef Gordon Ramsay to pass, only to have it fail miserably._

_"Hey Griffin!" Ramsay yelled to him as Peter came rushing back._

_"Yes..." Peter replied in a sing-song tone, thus annoying Chef Ramsay even more._

_"Why the hell is there a smiley face in sauce on one side of the Wellington..." Ramsay showed Peter the Wellington, where there, indeed, was a smiley face drawn on it. He then flipped it over to the other side. "...and 'You asked for this, n#ggers!' on the other!?"_

_"Well, you did say earlier that the table that orderr this thing was all black, right?"_

_"Yeah, so what gives you the right to call them the 'N' word on their own food?"_

_"Jesus."_

_"What?"_

_"Yeah. Jesus told me in a dream that if I ever were to serve a black guy table that I should adress them as appropriately as possible."_

_"How the hell is the 'N' word appropriate!?"_

_"You knwo what!? This thing is getting cold, and you're wasting my f#cking time by asking me all these dumbass questions. So if you don't mind, I'd like to serve this now otherwise the customers will get very pissed off and then I will be forced to rape you."_

_"W-W-What!?"_

_"Well, I figured a raping would cool you down. After all, I've seen you in past seasons, and you are always such a f#cking sCHtick in the mud."_

_"Well that's because these contestants are id....I'm a what?"_

_(End Cutaway)_

* * *

Later that day, the Griffin family, Cleveland, along with Stan and his mom, Sharon, were gathered at the Broflovski family dinner table, enjoying Sheila's famous Beef Wellington.

"Mom, you've outdoen yourself again!" Kyle exclaimed as he enjoyed his meal. "This is the best!"

"Yeah, dude! This is the reason to live!" Stan shouted happily. ANd while it seemed everyone was enjoying it, Peter was having a hard time eating his.

"Peter, you've barely touched your meeal. Are you alright?" His wife asked him mutualy.

"Of course I am, Lois. I'm perfectly fine. It's just that sometimes us fat guys can't digest as fast as the Jews."" Peter's comment greatly upset Kyle to the point of having him stop eating entirely and stare angrily at Peter.

"Peter, you didn't stop at a fast food retaurant again, did you?"

"Of course not."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Peter Griffin driving up to a fast food joint's drive-in window. "Uh, yes, I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please?"_

_"Um, pardon me?"_

_"Uh, 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas."_

_(End Cutaway)_

Peter, while trying to eat his dinner, noticed that Stan was also stirring around in his food. The difference, though, was that Stan had something on his mind, whilst Peter had something on his crotch.

"Hey kid, you look like you've got something on your mind." Peter said to him. "What's wrong? Things didn't go too weel on your date with that girl...uh, what was her name? I wanna say 'Jerry'."

"Not too well. Because you threw her into some black negro guy's house, I had to take her to the hospital to get her stitches."

"For your future reference, the 'black negro' guy you are referring to is _me_." Cleveland said angrily, feeling that he had been insulted by Stan, though was not meant to be the case.

"And the whole time that we were there, I couldn't even talk to her! God, she's supposed to be my girlfriend, how could I be her boyfriend when we can't even look at each other!?"

"Oh my god, I know exactly where you are coming from!" Peter exclaimed. "I was there 21 years ago when I was first dating Lois. It was so hard to talk to her but I finally got the courage up and asked her out and now 21 years later I have 2 children, a lovely wife, a dog, and Brian!"

"Hey!" Meg yelled, offended. But Peter paid no attention to her, nor did anyone else. Instead, they all just continued to eat their dinner. And later that day when they were all finished, Peter took Stan aside and tried to help him out with his "Wendy" problem.

"You see, kid, women are just like us men. Except that most of them have big, ugly vaginas that can only look attractive when our penises touch them. They also have hooters in which we men call breasts. Now while these things may seem nice, they are only a distraction as to how we interact with each other. See, the key to a woman is not through their uterus of their boobs, but through their heart. And there is a very special way to determine if this "Wendy" girl truly is the right girl for you."

"Really? How?"

"I feel that this lesson is particularly better spoken in song." Peter took Stan outside, and as if out of nowhere, a catchy tune from an old classical movie started to play, as Peter was about to make his point in the most painful way possible.

_**Peter: **Now a woman who'll kiss on a very first date,  
Is usually a hussy,  
And a woman who'll kiss on the second time out,  
Is anything but fussy,  
But a woman who'll wait 'till the third time around,  
Head in the clouds, feet on the ground,  
She's the girl you're glad you've found,  
She's your Shipoopi._

_**Peter: **Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,  
**Chorus: **The girl who's hard to get.  
**Peter: **Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,  
**Chorus: **But you can win her yet._

_**Peter: **Walk her once just to raise the curtain,  
Walk around twice and you make for certain.  
Once more in the flower garden,  
She will never get sore if you beg her pardon._

_**Chorus: **Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do, si, la, so, fa, mi, re, do._

_**Peter: **Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin'.  
Get a squeeze back that's fancy cookin'.  
Once more for a pepper-upper,  
She will never get sore on her way to supper,_

_**Chorus: **Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do, si, do,_

_**Peter: **Now little ol' sal was a No-gal,  
As anyone could see,  
Look at her now, She's a Go-Gal,  
Who only goes for me,_

_Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin'  
Get a squeeze back that's fancy cookin'  
Once more for a pepper-upper,  
She will never get sore on her way to supper,_

_**Chorus: **Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, si, do, si, do,_

_**Peter: **Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi,  
**Chorus: **The girl who's hard to get,  
**Peter: **Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi,  
**Chorus: **But you can win her yet._

Peter and everyone in the chorus broke out into a meaningless dance number that involved guys making out with each other, people dancing retardedly, and even many people getting drunk and crashing into things and hurting themselves.

_**Chorus: **Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi,  
The girl who's hard to get.  
Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi,  
But you can win her yet.  
__You can win her yet!_

_Shipoopi!_

"Alright! SAo kid, did that help you?" Peter asked Stan when the musical number was finished.

"No. NO, dude, that didn't help me at all!" Stan barked back, now irritated. "You just wasted 1.2 Million Dollars of the studio's money for that crappy musical number."

"YOu see, now, Stan!?" Randy Marsh, Stan's father, yelled to him as he ran outside to assist his son. "_This_is exactly what I was talking about the other day! Douchebags like _him_ who wastefully spend money on these kinds of things!?"

"AAAHAAHHHH!" Peter yelled upon Randy's arrival. "Jemima's witness! Kill it!" Peter took a very big glass object lying nearby and smacked it over Randy's head, causing him to fall unconscious to the fall. In a panic, Peter then took Randy and strapped him on top of his car, and then drove off at super speed towards the nearest house, and then stopped short and let Randy fling right into the house, causing his head to stick out of the hole, and right in the middle of Quagmire's date with a hooker, too.

"To answer your question, something like _that_."

**End of Chapter 3.**

**This story's really heating up! I really appreciate the reviews you people are giving me! So keep them coming! OH, and by the way, I'm not telling you who I'm casting for Lord Voldemort for my other story "Oh no! Not Another Freakin' Movie Parody" until the near end of the story, so keep a sharp eye out!**

**Next Time: Peter and his freinds' definitions of fun are Kyle and the other kids' definition of torment and agony. How much can they really take and how far will Peter really go with it?**

**Expected Update: May 20th.**

**The next update will be for "Oh no! Not Another Freakin' Movie Parody!" which, if I can get my thoughts together, should be around the 10th of May, which'll give me 10 days from then to work on Chapter 4 of this story. So sit tight!**


	4. Whose Leg Do Ya Have to Hump? Part 2

**Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)**

**Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye**

**Chapter 4: Whose Leg Do Ya Have To Hump To Get Some Peace?**

**Disclaimer: _South Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

* * *

The sun had gone down, and it was time for bed for everyone. Stan and his family had gone home, and the Griffins had gone back to their temporary home for bed, leaving Kyle and Ike to get ready themselves. But...even though it was bedtime in his heart, in Peter's head, it was nowhere near that time.

So, when everyone was asleep, including Brian, Peter snuck out of the house, taking with him a few of the beers in the fridge. He made his way, in a very dumb "Mission: Impossible" like-way, of course, across the street and met up with Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire.

"Glad you could make it Peter." Joe said calmly as Peter handed each of them a beer.

"Man, this is gonna be so awesome! I haven't been this excited to have fun in a new town since that time I was in New Orleans."

"Oh yeah, I remember that day. You got sucked into that Hurricane Katrina didn't you?"

"Don't bring it up, Joe. It's painful enough from the scar on my foot, don't make it painful in my penis, too!"

"Sorry."

So the four friends took a sip of their beer can, and then started grabbing some stuff lying around in the street, such as wood, hammers, nails, screw-drivers, pornography magazines...uh, actually, that last one was just for Quagmire.

Anyway, the four friends started to build some sort of ramp...actually, two ramps that went as high as 150 feet in the air. They used all of the tools that they had with them to build these giant ramps.

The resulting noise coming from the tools being used caused a little sleeping Kyle Broflovski to awaken with a jolt. He was frightened by the noises, and believed it to be some sort of intruder. The little Jewish boy rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and walked over carefully to the window to see what the commotion was. He opened up the window and watched carefully at what they were doing, and tried to figure out what exactly that was.

Meanwhile, down on the ground...

"Oh man, this is gonna be so fun!" Peter said as he was getting set up on the other side of the street with rollerblades on. "I haven't had this much fun since that time I was at that carnival!"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Peter Griffin at the Quahog Carnival, as he is playing the "Test Your Strength" game, where you have to hit with a big hammer and ring the bell. Peter was determined to win a prize with this first hit, but when he pulled back and then swung down hard, he accidentally crushed both of his big toes._

_"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, OH MY GOOODD! AAAAH! OOOOWWWW!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, and he fell to the ground to clutch his toes, only to have the hammer hit him on the head and them have him fall unconscious._

_(End Cutaway)_

"Eh, too bad I didn't wake up until _after _the sodomy. Hey, you guys ready down there!?" He yelled down the street towards Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire. Joe gave him a thumbs up, which was the signla to Peter that it was A-OK to go. So Peter started blading rapidly down the road towards the ramps. He gradually gained speed and once he reached the ramps, he was expecting to jump off. But, the problem was that the ramps were built too far apart from each other for Peter's leg span. So...

Instead of jumping off, Peter's legs became lodged on top of each ramp, leaving him in kind of like a split position. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed after he hit the ramps. "F#CK! SH#T! G#DDAMMIT! SON OF A BITCH! DAMN, F#CK, F#CKING SH#T! BARBRA STREISAN! AAAHAHHHH!" He kept screaming. He was obviously in a lot of pain, but he did not hold back on his cries. In fact, they were so loud, they woke up everyone in the neighborhood, and that included Kyle, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman. The four boys each ran to their respective windows and wanted to see what the commotion was.

What Peter failed to realize was that he and his friends had built the ramp in front of Kyle's house, so Kyle was able to see clearly what he was doing. He was mortified at whathe was seeing, and almost let out a scream, but Peter did that for him. Peter saw Kyle standing at his window, looking disoriented.

"Hey Kyle!" He shouted to Kyle. "Hey buddy, how are you?"

"Tired!" Kyle shouted back, pretty irritated now. "It's 11:00 pm! What the hell are you doing!?"

"Oh, well see, my friends and I built these ramps so that I could jump off of them and do some freestyle tricks like those skating freaks on TV, but we accidentally built the ramps too far apart and...uh, now we're here. My thighs are killing me. I think the skin is stretching. Kid, call for help!"

"No way! It's not _my_ problem! I'm not the one that decided to be an idiot in the dead of night! Besides, I'm 9, what the hell am I supposed to do!?"

"I don't know! Uh...why don't you take your clothes off, shake your ass around for a while, and let me take pictures of it."

"PETER, THAT'S SICK!" Joe yelled.

"What!?"

"That's child pornography! It's sick and it'll land you in prision!"

"Oh come on! When have _I_ ever landed in prison!?"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Peter Griffin sitting a prison cell in the Quahog maximum security facility. He is sitting in a prison cell while an officer is with him on the outside of the cell._

_"So uh, officer..." Peter asked the officer. "What exactly am I in here for again?"_

_"Sir, you posted pictures of a naked girl's behind on the internet and then publicly raped her." The officer firmly said, obviously very upset at this. And who wouldn't be, if that same girl was your daughter in law?_

_"And that's a bad thing?"_

_(End Cutaway)_

* * *

The ramps were cleared down and Peter was helped to the ground, and so witht that out o f the way, Kyle, Stna, Kenny, and Cartman all went back to sleep...only to be awakened by the sound of construction noises only hours later. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were busy with construction tools, trying to fix up Peter's broken car.

This time, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman ran outside to stop the noise themselves. "What the hell is going on this time!?" Kyle growled, irritable.

"This is my car. It broke down so we're trying to fix it, smarty." Peter remarked sarcastically.

"Dude, it's 2 in the morning, and that thing is a piece of crap!" Kyle shouted, now more irritable than ever. Peter did not seem moved, though.

"Thank you. This was my stepfather's. He died of internal injuries. How do you feel now?"

"Whatever! I don't really care! I'm tired, and I wanna sleep! Jeez, you guys are more annoying than those people who've just moved into their new apartment!

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to a nice, fancy apartment, and a new, African family has just moved into the home. The family consists of a husband and wife, and two children, a boy, 7, and a girl, 4._

_"Wow, this is a lovely place." The wife said as she placed their suitcases down. _

_"Yeah, it's so clean, and vibrant, an--OOH, STEREO!" The husband saw a stereo set and turned it on to maximum volume, and as if they were high, the entire family started dancing around like idiots to "Beast and the Harlot". For a half hour, they danced like that, howling like wolves, until finally, Peter Griffin barged into the door, and shot all four of them to death with a shotgun._

_(End Cutaway)_

"Just keep it down, we're trying to sleep!" The four boys stormed back to their own houses and into their own beds to try and get some sleep. Meanwhile, Quagmire was dwelling on a lingering thought.

"Hey wait a sec, Peter." He finally said to the fat guy. "Didn't _you_ cause your father's internal injuries that killed him?"

"And your point is?"

Quagmire was so confused and angry at the same time that his emotions led him to pull out a pistol and shoot Peter, knocking him unconscious.

* * *

Once again, everything was cleared down and peace returned to the neighborhood. It was now 6:00 in the morning, and the boys were once again trying to get some sleep. Unfortunately, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe had different plans. They gathered right outside Kyle's house, and brought with them a high school band.

"OH boy, this is gonna be fun!" Peter whispered.

"We're gonna get in so much trouble!"

"I know, Quagmire, but it's worth it!"

Peter pointed to the conductor, cueing him to start the band, as they played to the tune "Good Morning".

_**All: **Good Morning, Good Morning!  
**Cleveland: **It's great to stay up late!  
**All: **Good Morning, Good Morning, to you._

While the four were singing and the band was playing, a very bitter and irritable Kyle opened his window to see what the noise was. Every time he saw Peter as his doorstep, he seemed to grow angrier, but not at him directly, but as his action (and Frankly, I don't blame him)

_**Peter:** When the band starts to play, the stars were shining bright.  
**Quagmire:** But now, the milkman's on his way, it's too late to say goodnight.  
**Joe: (Screaming) **SO SAY GOOD MORNING!  
**Quagmire:** Ahh, good morning! (Whimpering) Sunflowers soon shall bloom!  
**All:** Good morning, good morning, to y-_

"What the hell are you doing now!?" Kyle shouted, interrupting their song. He was angry and not wanting to take any nonsense from them. He ran back outside once again, practically fed up.

"We're wishing you a happy morning, silly." Joe said in a kind of baby talk.

"And an even more happy New Zealand independence day!!" Peter shouted idiotically, causing everyone to stare.

"What?"

"Does New Zealand even celebrate independence day?" Quagmire asked.

"What's New Zealand?" Cleveland asked.

"Oh don't tell me you guys have never heard of New Zealand Independence Day, where they celebrate the death of all those people in those bombings back in '95."

"Peter, you're thinking of the Oklahoma City Bombings. They were in Oklahoma." Joe pointed out, flatly.

"Really? Well, this is news to me."

"Peter, remind me again why we agreed to do this." Cleveland asked. "I mean, it's not like we're making money or nothing."

"Who cares about money? I don't. See?" Peter took out a hundred dollar bill that appeared to have been drawn on front and back. "See? On the front I drew a mustache for Ben Franklin. But on the back, I drew a picture of Barney the Dinosaur having sex with the Iron Giant." Everyone stared at the piece of paper, Kyle being very disgusted with what he saw.

"Peter, you're so f#cking stupid it's unbelievable." Joe said, again flatly.

"Well excuse me for having an imagination!"

"Your imagination is what caused 9/11!"

"Oh really, where's your f#cking proof!?" And all of a sudden, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe got into an argument about which of them started September 11th. It was horrifying, and a couple of times throughout the argument, the C-word, the N-word, and the words "Michael Phelps" came up. Finally, Kyle had had enough.

"_SHUT UP!_" He screamed at the top of his lungs, straining his voice in the process. "All you've done tonight is harass me and make my life miserable!" He was now talking in a hoarse voice. "I'm tired, cranky, and I think my little brother has post-traumatic stress disorder!"

"That's not true. STewie's as happy as he can be."

"Not _that_ dip-sh#t, you asshole! I'm talking about Ike! My Canadian adopted brother!"

"Oh my god!" Peter screamed upon hearing that Kyle had yet another brother...though that wasn't exactly what he was screaming about. "I coulda had a V8!" He slapped himself hard in the face, and fell to the ground unconscious. Kyle, now completely fed up, threw his arms into the air and went back inside his own home. Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland, also did the same. ("Remind me again why we hang out with him." Quagmire says to Joe, with Joe responsing "Free Booze".)

Peter regained consciousness a few minutes later, and then stood up, saw everyone was gone, and decided to head home. But, out of the thickness of Kyle's house's walls, he swore that he heard the musical stylings of "KISS".

"What the hell is _that_?" He asked himself as he heard the music of "Strutter" begin to play. He ran over to Kyle's house and barged right in to see Kyle on the couch, playing his "Guitar Hero II" video game. It was on Expert level, and Kyle was doing quite well. "What the hell are you doing?" Peter asked Kyle as he paid his attention to the game.

"Playing "Guitar Hero"."

"Why?"

"Well, it's too late to go to sleep now, as I'll have to get up anyway in about an hour."

"Why? It's summertime. The time of the yar where us fat people drink to blivion and those whores have sex with snow."

"Because I'm Jewish, and my family doesn't believe in 'sleeping in' unless I'm sick, because it'll 'rot your brain'."

"Wow, I can't wait to meet the slut in your family who came up with that one."

"My mom came up with that one."

Peter paused for a moment, pondering on that thought. "Like I said, she's a slut. And this game is f#cking retarded."

"How do you know, fatass!?" Kyle grumpily shouted to Peter. "You know when this game first came out, Stan and I got signed onto tons of contracts and made tons of money for just scoring big points on this game."

"Really?"

"Yeah. One time we actually made $6,000 for one show on this game."

"$6,000?" Kyle nodded to this. For a moment, Peter stood there, probably contemplating a new thought. Then, after a moment, his face lit up, and so did his head. "ESO ES! THAT'S IT!" He shouted as light beams rippled from his head, traveling out from the home and apparently towards Cleveland's house.

The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when the beams hit, and when they did, the debree from his house fell. He was in the bathtub when this happened, and the resulting shockwave caused the debree that was holding up the floorboard to crumble.

The floorboard slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. He sat there in a daze, naked and on the bare ground. "Wha' happened?" He said as he slowly lost consciousness.

Meanwhile, back at Kyle's house...

"I love you, you son of a bitch!" Peter shouted gleefully as he picked up Kyle and started kissing him all over. Kyle, once again, was mortified. "Oh I knew I raised you for a reason, you braniac!"

"But, you didn't raise me. In fact, until today, you haven't been in my life at all!" Kyle tried to fight back.

"Nonsense! I've always been in your life! Inside, at least."

"What the hell does that even mean?"

"Now hang on there, you be nice to me!" Peter roared back as he put Kyle down. "Now I may not be the perfect father, but dammit, I'm a father! And you have to respect your father, otherwise God'll get you. God will get you with the Codak disk. _OH God is gonna get with the Codak disk._" Peter sang in a sing-song tone before he pulled down Kyle's pants, and took a picture of Kyle's bare bum before he put his camera away, and you know what the worst part was...both of Kyle's parents were standing in the room, having witnessed this awful thing that Peter had done. Peter immediately saw his parents standing there...and had no way of defending himself. "Um...uh, I blame the Danish for this."

* * *

At noon that very same day, Peter had gathered Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe together for a meeting (A meeting that was supposed to be held at Peter's house, but he instead accidentally sent them to Stan's house while he was out playing with Kenny, Cartman, Stewie, and Kyle).

"Thank you guys for coming in at such short notice." Peter said to the three friends.

"Peter, dammit, why'd you do this? I'm missing _Boy Meets World_." Quagmire complained.

"Trust me, Quagmire, after this, you won't even remember then named "Meet." Now, it occured to me last night thanks to the imagination of a little 9 year old Jew that the only way you can make money is by playing music. So, I have a plan to make us a fortune! We're gonna get our old band back together, 'Fat, Horny, Black n' Joe'!"

All three friends started murmuring amonst themselves.

"That's right! Dudes, we're getting the old band back together!"

"But how?" Joe questioned. "We don't even have instruments."

"Don't worry, I thought of that." Peter reached over to his side and pulled out two "Guitar Hero" game controllers. NO one seemed more confused than Quagmire.

"Peter, those are 'Guitar Hero' controllers."

"I know. See, the thing sis, we're gonna make money the cheapest way that video games made possible: we'regonna fake it! We're gonna set up these controllers and the games in the park, and we're gonna pick a song, and...and j-ust play it! You know, just play it! I spend a thousand bucks just for the game controllers, including the drum set a microphone. By the way," Peter tossed Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland their credit cards. "You guys are maxed out."

"Swell."

"Peter, this is never gonna work." Cleveland said.

"Sure it is. Didn't you guys tell me the other day you were all on Expert Level in 'Guitar Hero'."

"NO, I said, 'I'm an Expert at the Guitar; I'm like a hero at the police station'." Joe correected, leaving Peter speechless.

"Oh. Well, I'm sure this won't be a problem. I hacked all of the Guitar Hero CDs and programmed the songs into 'Guitar Hero World Tour'. That's like, 400 songs to choose from."

"But Peter, none of us are good at 'Guitar Hero'." Cleveland said.

"Don't worry, it's a sinch. We'll start on 'Easy', and gradually work our way up. Look, if two fourth-grade queers can make money by scoring 100,000 points on this game, who's to say we can't make even more by scoring _200,000_ points, or even more!?" As Peter finished asking the question, the front door opened, and there stood a groggy and probably intoxicated Stan. "Um...what the hell are _you_ doing here?" Peter asked, still not being aware that this was actually Stan's house.

"Well I came home to get my basetball so me and my friends could play basketball. What the hell are _you _guys doing here?" Stan asked in a very perstigious way.

"Beat it kid, we're in the middle of a meeting." Cleveland barked, hoping he was doing what Peter would've done.

"Cleveland, that was dumb of you. Everyone knows that blackies and whities should not fight each other, for it does not make sense, and it only leads to molestation and rape."

"What the hell does that even mean?"

"Does it have to make sense?"

"Yes, otherwise you sound like a tool."

"Whatever, dude, I'm going upstairs." Stan huffed as he went past the four idiots and went upstairs, leaving Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland to talk amongst themselves.

"Hey guys, check this out." Peter said as he took out the _Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock_ CD, and set it up in the PS2. He scrolled down the song list and picked the one that said "Do Not Try This Song". "You're gonna love this. It's hillarious."

The game level set itself up, and the song started playing itself. The first part of it was easy, in fact it was even labeled "Easy Part" on the top.

"Huh. This doesn't seem so bad." Joe said while Peter was playing.

"OH wait,, _this _is Guitar Hero?" Quagmire asked, shocked. "Oh god, I was thinking of the wrong game."

"You know, it's not as hard as it seems, but once this song gets into the harder part, then it becomes annoying."

"What do you mean by 'hard part'?"

"Well, that." Joe pointed out flatly, as he pointed to the TV screen. The notes on-screen were coming in much faster now and it was harder for Peter to hit them all. Peter was strumming like he has never strummed before, and he was hitting those fret buttons like they were his wife during sex.

"Oh my god!" Cleveland exclaimed.

"You can't possibly hit those!" Quagmire shouted. "And yet it's 'Still Easy'. W-What the-"

"Yeah, I know that." By now, Peter had reached the first 'Rest' part of the song, which was the easiest part to play. But this only lasted for seconds as it got into 'Medium', which was even harder, and now Peter was barely hitting anything. THen came 'A Little Hard', another 'Rest', 'Give up Here', and finally Peter reached 'Warning! Turn Off Game!', where the notes were just insane, and everybody was screaming at the top of their lungs, and Peter was going crazy. He was screaming the loudest, and finally, he just snapped, took the guitar, and smashed the crap out of the TV, and then even started throwing dynamite at it, which caused it along with half of Stan's house to be destroyed. Distraught, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe slowly snuck out of the house and ran away.

**End of Chapter 4!**

**The Guitar Hero 'Impossible Song" thing was a reference to a video I saw on Youtube about a song on Guitar Hero 3 that was totally impossible to do. It was literally called "Do Not Try This Song" and it was hillarious. Look it up.**

**Next Time: Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe get their band back together. But will Peter's plan really work? Plus, the boys try to deal with Peter's insanity, and it seems to be getting to Kyle rather quickly. (Don't Worry, I'll get to Chris's side plot soon, but you'll just have to be patient)**

**Expected Update: May 20th.**

**A/N: Guess what? Swine Flu hit my schools, so I'm off for an entire week! So now I can update even faster! **

**Next Update: Family Guy'****s Road Trip: South Park -- May 20th.**


	5. A Band, a Jerk, and Even a Plan

**Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)**

**Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye**

**Chapter 5: A Band, a Jerk, and Even a Plan**

**A/N: For those of you who have not yet read my profile, I've update my story summaries, I've kind of decided to abandon the whole "Dollars for Diabetes" subplot of this series. It just doesn't seem right for every single episode. Don't worry, it's not gone forever. But you probably won't see it at all this episode. Maybe next episode...**

**Disclaimer: _South Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

* * *

Meanwhile, over on the other side of town, after Stan had gotten his basketball, the five friends, or actually four, Kenny,, Cartman, Stan, and Stewie were playing two on two basketball, while Kyle simply watched. He was too tired to want to play, and instead decided to sit back and watch them play. He slept through most of it, and the times he wasn't sleeping, he was thinking about how Peter had harassed him sexually and emotionally.

Meanwhile, on the court, it was Stan & Stewie vs. Kenny & Cartman, and Stan & Stewie were winning 28 to 0.

"What do ya got? What do ya got?" Stewie kept taunting Cartman, who kept getting angry. He let his rage get the best of him, and Stewie & Stan were able to out-smart him and Kenny every single time. "Dude, you suck." Stewie said flatly to Cartman after winning the game 246 to 0.

"Hey, I don't suck, you f#cking douchebag! I'm good at this!"

"Yeah, but _I'm _better," Stewie replied smugly.

"GODDAMMIT!"

While Cartman was rioting and pouting, Kenny, Stan, and Stewie left him alone and made their way towards Kyle, who was currently wide awake...literally. HIs eyes were wide open, as he was still reflecting what had happened. He was obviously very traumatized, and all three friends saw it.

"Hey, buddy." Stan said as he went up to the disoriented and traumatized Jewish boy. "You alright, Kyle? You haven't moved in like, 3 hours."

Kyle didn't budge, except for his eyelids, which actually started falling.

"Maybe he's dead." Stewie commented. "I read online that when people die, they usually die with their eyes open first. Then again, I also read a part that only applies to Asians. Oh well." Stewie went up to Kyle, pulled out a bullhorn, and rang it right in Kyle's ear, snapping him out of his trance. "He's fine."

"Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?" Kenny asked, muffling through his orange coat.

"Wha-? Oh, sor-sorry, guys." Kyle replied in a very groggy & hoarse voice. "I guess I'm just tired."

"Sounds like you didn't get a lot of sleep last night, dude." Stan retorted.

"Barely any."

"Yeah, me too. THat fat dude's antics last night kept me up a bit."

"Oh it was more than _that_, buddy." Kyle angrily muttered to his friends and Stewie. "Just when I was about to go back to bed, he acts like a complete retard, pulls down my pants, and takes a picture of my ass, with my parents standing there!!"

"WHAT!?"

"Dude!" Kenny shouted.

"Are you serious? Stewie asked him, to which he received an angry nod from Kyle. "Damn, sorry, pal. Sucks to be you, today, huh?"

"I know! It was so humiliating I haven't even slept since then!"

"I guess that was the pic I got this morning."

"Huh?"

"Oh yeah, my buddy Alfonso Riberio sent me a picture this morning. At first I had no beliefs it was actually your ass but now that you mention it it make sense. Wow, and I actually jacked off to that photo...eww...well, your reputation is as good as ru-ined, my friend, 'cause knowing my..._our_ father, he probably sent it to everyone in town, even the kids."

"Well that's just...wait, what?"

"I said, your reputation is as good as ru-ined. Look, everyone's probably gonna think you a queer now, and they're not gonna let you live it down. You're ru-ined, man."

"Why're you saying it like that?" Stan asked, getting sucked into one of Stewie's traps.

"What? I'm just saying his reputation is ru-ined. There's no way of reversing this."

"What?"

"Stan, just forget it. Don't even bother." Kyle said, cranky as hell. "He's just gonna egg you on about this...the little bitch."

"Whoa there, partner. What the hell? Who bumped your ass last night? Oh that's right, my father." He started laughing so hard that it simply annoyed everyone, especially Kyle, moreson than anyone else.

"SHUT UP, YOU F#CKING DICK!" Kyle finally shouted in rage, stopping Stewie in his tracks. Though Stewie was greatly offended, he seemed unphased on the outside.

"Wow, dude, you are so uptight it's not even funny."

"What!? No I'm not."

"I hate to say this, but I agree with Stewie." Stan replied, which beamed Stewie and annoyed Kyle. "You're tighter than an airlock sometimes, it's not even funny."

"No I am not, goddammit! I'm perfectly smart and loos enough to hang with you guys! I'm susceptible to intelligence!"

"You're also, apparently, susceptible to irritability and impatience. Seriously, you're a buzzkill." Stewie said to Kyle. "Even moreso than Buzz Killington." And as if on cue, Buzz Killington came into the scene, and he was holding a 'Romeo and Juliet' hardcover.

"Well hello there, gentlemen." The Buzzkill said in a British accent. "Would any of you care to hear the legendary story of 'Romeo and Juliet'? It's a story about two people who find love in each other. But, their families, the Montagues andt he Capulets, are at war with each other. Hmm Hmm Hmm." He gave a small chuckle, while all of the friends gave confused glances to each other, and Stewie cupped his forehead and groaned, before Stan finally responded.

"Dude, 'Romeo and Juliet' is for gay people."

"Yeah." Kyle agreed.

"Well then, you two should enjoy this very much, I suppose."

"What!?"

"Dude, me and Kyle are not gay!" Stan shouted to Buzz. "Especially for each other--"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Stan!" Kyle pulled Stan aside before Buzz could say anything else. "Th-That's not something you just say outloud."

"But we're not, dude."

"I know..." Kyle hesitated. "But he might get the wrong idea. These kinds of people are idiots, you know? Like the first cancer patient."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to a bald man in his bathroom that has cancer. He is putting on a bandana on his head without realizing it. When he finally does realize this, though, he becomes estatic._

_"Honey...HONEY, GET IN HERE!" He shouted._

_"What!?"_

_"Ju-Just get in here!" He shouted, as his wife came rushing in, also looking happy._

_"Oh my god!"_

_"I know! It's like I don't even have cancer!" The two of them shared a heartfelt laugh for a brief moment, before the mood turned gloomy again. "No, but seriously, I have pretty bad cancer."_

_(End Cutaway)_

After the cutaway, Stewie angrily walked up to Kyle, and punched him in his stomach, causing him to fall to the ground, clutching his stomach in pain. "The cutaway bits are _mine_, you son of a bitch! Don't _ever_ forget that!" He hissed into his face as he continued clutching his hurting stomach. Stewie then proceeded to slap Kyle's butt a couple of times, and then simply pat it softly, as he purred like a kitty cat in aw. The other friends just looked on and jaw dropped. Stewie then walked away, leaving Kenny, who now has taken off his hood, with the final words.

"Boy, that dude sure is f#cked up in the head."

* * *

Meanwhile, over on the other side of town, at South Park Elementary, it was time for the first gig of the newly revived Fat, Horny, Black N' Joe. Peter was confident that his plan to fake playing the music with the 'Guitar Hero World Tour' video game would work, but the others weren't sure.

The band was set up the Pre-school part of the school, with Peter & Joe on guitars (Peter on lead, Joe on Bass), Quagmire on guitars, and Cleveland as a vocalist. There were stands set up in front of each of them, which were there just to conceil a small TV set that was sitting there that were all connected to a similar PS2 system that would play the song they chose.

"Alright, thank you everyone for coming." Peter said into his microphone to the pre-schooler, of which Ike Broflovski was one of them. "We have a great show for you tonight."

"Do you guys do magic?" One of the grade-schoolers asked them. "Because if you do, can you make yourselves disappear?" And then all of the pre-schoolers started laughing, whilst Cleveland gave each of them the finer.

"No, but we do perform Rock N' Roll. Any requests? Any at all?" He was waiting for a kid to raise his/her hand and request a song. However, after a moment, none of the kids still refused to request. "COme on, you're killing me, here. Any song at all?"

Finally, after a couple of minutes, Ike raised his hands slowly.

"Yes?"

"_Rock This Town_by the Straycats."

"Excellent choice, son. And may I say it is my favorite song of our selection. OK, guys, Rock This Town it is." Peter said, as he and his mates silently chose on the Guitar Hero game "Rock This Town". As the music started playing, The guitar part was the first part to have notes come on. And as the band started playing, all three friends on instruments were flawlessly hitting their 'Expert Level' notes, producing wonderful music and lyrics.

_Well my baby and me went out late Saturday night  
I had my hair piled high and my baby just looks so right  
Well, pick you up at ten got to have you home by two,  
Mama don't know what I've got in store for you  
Well that's alright 'cause we're looking as cool as can be_

_Well we found a little place that really didn't look half bad  
I'll have a whiskey on the rocks and change of a dollar for the jukebox  
Well, I put a quarter right into that can, but all it played was disco man  
C'mon pretty baby, let's get outta here right away._

_We're gonna rock this town, rock it inside out  
We're gonna rock this town, make 'm scream and shout  
Let's rock, rock, rock man rock, rock  
We're gonna rock till we pop, We're gonna roll till we drop  
We're gonna rock this town, rock it inside out_

Peter and Joe were doing very well on the guitars, while Quagmire was also fairing well on the drums. Apparently, they crashed coursed the night before and prepped for their first gig at a crappy pre-school.

_Well we're having a ball just bopping on the big dance floor  
Well there's a real square cat he looks nineteen seventy four  
Well, you look at me once, you look at me twice,  
You look at me again there's gonna be a fight  
We're gonna rock this town, we're gonna rip this place apart_

_We're gonna rock this town, rock it inside out  
We're gonna rock this town, make 'm scream and shout  
Let's rock, rock, rock man rock, rock  
We're gonna rock till we pop, We're gonna roll till we drop  
We're gonna rock this town, rock this place apart_

_We're gonna rock this town, rock it inside out  
We're gonna rock this town, make 'm scream and shout  
Let's rock, rock, rock man rock, rock  
We're gonna rock till we pop, We're gonna roll till we drop  
We're gonna rock this town, rock it inside out_

_We're gonna rock this town, rock it inside out  
We're gonna rock this town, rock it inside out!_

The song was over, and the band finished it off strongly, entertaining the pre-schoolers, even receiving a standing ovation from one of the teachers, Mr. Mackey.

"What'd I tell you, guys? Is this awesome or what!?" Peter asked the guys once they were finished.

"Peter, this is incredible! I didn't think we could get away with it, but we did!" Joe exclaimed in happiness at the cheering they received, though he was still a bit skeptical. "You realize now that if we get caught, we'll be hated for the rest of our lives, right?"

"Well worth the risk, especially after we get our paychecks." Mr. Mackey walked up to the four boys and handed them each a paycheck.

"Congratulations guys, M'kay? That was an amazing performance." He said as he handed the checks and then walked away. Peter stared at his check in a victorious way...only to be disappointed when he saw how much he was really getting paid.

"Uh...sir...?" Peter shouted as he rushed up to Mackey. "Uh, yeah, why the hell are we only getting paid thirty bucks!?"

"Well, rock bands generally don't make lots of money. M'kay, especially at gigs like a pre-school. Now if you played at something bigger, like the SUper Bowl, then you'd be rolling in green stuff."

Upon hearing this, Peter seemed confused, as he had never heard the term 'Green Stuff' before. "We want money, you jackass."

"Peter, that _is_ money." Quagmire informed Peter.

"Really?"

"Of course, Peter. That's where 'Green Stuff' originated from." Cleveland replied..."_F#cking idiot._"...under his breath.

"OK, that's it! You f#cking die now!" Peter shouted loudly as he tackled Cleveland into the wall and beat the crap out of him. He repeatedly punched him in the face, causing a severely bloody nose and a broken jaw, and while the pre-schoolers were cheering (and shockingly enough, even rooting for Peter), Mr. Mackey, Joe, and Quagmire tried to break up the fight.

* * *

A couple of hours later, Peter, Joe, and Quagmire had gathered back at Stan's house, only this time, there were joined by many, many kids of South Park, practically all of them except for Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Stewie.

"Thank you all for coming on such short notice." Peter said to the crowd of children. "Now, as you may all know, 'Fat, Horny, Black N' Joe' made its reunion appearance at South Park Elementary. It was also at that time that one of the band members suffered serious injuries and thus will not be returning to the band."

"Didn't you get into a fight with him?" One of the boys, Clyde, asked.

"Uh..."

"Yeah, and aren't you the same guy that took pictures of Kyle's naked ass and sent them to all of us?" One of the girls, Bebe, asked. "By the way, did you know he has another hemorrhoid?" She whispered to the others.

"Uh...I blame the Muslims." Was all Peter had to say. Joe and Quagmire looked at Peter real funny. Quagmire was much more of a pervert than Peter was, but Quagmire clearly knew how to control himself better than Peter did. "Anyway, the reason you all are here is because you are going to audition for the role of the fourth member of our band, which will now be known as 'Fat, Horny, _Queer_, N' Joe'. Now I must warn you that whomever we pick will have to put in many countless hours of practices, give up their lives, and more likely, their virginity. Now this decision will take time and effort, and we're probably not going to choose today..."

_7 1/2 minutes later..._

"Well congratulations, Craig!" Peter said triumphately to Craig, who was now the last kid still in the house. "You've made it. You are now officially the fourrth member of 'Fat, Horny, Queer, N' Joe'. Now, before you're officially dubbed in, we have a couple of more tests to run." Peter led him to the TV, which was now fixed, and turned it on, revealing the 'Guitar Hero World Tour' song selection menu. "Play 'Carry on Wayward Son' on Expert."

Craig looked at Peter in a confused fashion. Craig was good at playing the guitar, but not necessarily at 'Guitar Hero'. "What?"

"Look, kid, I'll be honest with you. This band isn't exactly what you porbably had in mind. We get away with making good music to our fans by using the 'Guitar Hero' video game series. It seemed to work at our first gig because nobody seemed to notice. But, we can't afford to make any unnecessary risks with this plan. So, if you do decide to join our band, you must swear to never, ever reveal this dangerous secret to your friends. So what do ya say, Craig? They'll be women, money...women..."

"You had me at women."

"Great. Practice is tonight at 9."

* * *

So Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and now Craig, all met up behind the neighborhood where Kyle's house was, but close enough so he could hear them. They were just about to start practice. Peter & Craig were on guitar, with Peter on lead and Craig on bass, Joe was on drums, and Quagmire was the new vocalist.

"OK guys, our next gig is gonna be our biggest one yet." Peter explained to the three. "We have exactly 6 days to practice before our big gig."

"Um, what exactly are we playing?" Craig asked.

"Good question. Alright guys, brace yourselves, this is a long list." Peter took out a piece of paper and started reading off of it. "Let's see, we got _Bark at the Moon_, _Iron Man, Fly on the Wall, Shout at the Devil, Cherry Pie, Message in a Bottle, Carry on Wayward Son, Rock This Town, Beast and the Harlot, Psychobilly Freakout, School's Out, My Name is Jonas, Hit me with your Best Shot, Suck my Kiss, Because of You, Rock n' Roll All Night, Strutter,_ and finally, we end the concert with _Free Bird_."

"What!?" Joe, Quagmire, and Craig shouted.

"Free bird!? DUDE!" Joe shouted at the top of his lungs.

"That's the hardest song of _Guitar Hero II_!" Quagmire added.

"I know, that's why we're saving it for last! Besides, I think we can master it in six days. But we have to practice non-stop until that time. Otherwise, these sacrifices willl have been for nothing."

"What sacrifices, dude?"

"Shut up, Craig!"

And so, the band got to their instruments (except for QUagmire, whom sang, of course), and the four started practicing their hearts out, practicing all 18 songs in their set list at least 5 times on Expert Level. They were so loud that they actually woke up everyone in the neighborhood, including Kyle and his family during their slumber, and even Stewie at his house.

The practicing literally went into the wee hours of the morning, and into the next night...and then the morning...night...morning...night...morning...night...until finally, it was the day before their big gig. Kyle was on the edge of breaking from sleep deprivation, and Stewie had finally had enough of Peter's antics.

It was high noon when Peter and the band finally stopped practicing. Finally, everyone could rest easy, but Kyle was now so worn out he couldn't even close his eyes, and Stewie was too busy contemplating a plan to even think about sleeping.

"OK, that's _it!_" Kyle shouted to himself, his voice more hoarse than before. "He's gone too far!"

"That man has annoyed the hell out of me for the last time!" Stewie said, right after Kyle had finished his sentence. Apparently, they were on the same page as to their hatred of Peter.

"He's obnoxious, cruel-"

"Stupid, ignorant-"

"Perverted, dispicable-"

"I can't even remember a time where the fat man even said something intelectual."

"Well no more! No one, especially not _I_ should have to put up with his stupidity!" Kyle was getting angrier and angier as he continued to think about the suffering he has done the past week. The stress was building up inside of him and he was feeling it all over. He had such dark bags under his eyes, he couldn't focus for too long, and he was sweating all over.

Thankfully, he didn't have to worry that much about Peter, because Stewie had a plan...

**End of Chapter 5!**

**Look at that! One day and I finished another chapter already! Wow, I'm getting so wrapped up in this story, I don't even realize how quickly I'm updating! Anyway, Read & Review!**

**Next Time: What is Stewie's brilliant plan to teach Peter a lesson? Will it work, and how far can Kyle be pushed before he goes over?**

**Coming up: Whatever happened to Chris and Terrance & Phillip?**

**Expected Update: May 11th (I know it only took a day for this chapter, but I don't want to say one day and then look like a jackass)**

**Next Update: Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park -- May 11th.**

**A/N: I plan to wait until I get further into this story before I update "The Magical Testical", or "Oh no! Not Another Freakin' Movie Parody". I want to take my time with that one so I can really capture the "Harry Potter" aspect I am after.**


	6. The Plan! Wait, What Plan?

**Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)**

**Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye**

**Chapter 6: The Plan...Wait, What Plan?**

**Disclaimer: _South Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

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* * *

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It was obvious to everyone that Peter was the most annoying person in South Park at the moment. ALthough Cartman was extremely annoying, there was no freakin' way he could top Peter. So, Stewie, brainstorming, did some investigating with Peter's band, and manged to find out some interesting things about it.

So, for the day, he spent his time making invitations to all of the kids in South Park to gether for a meeting to discuss his plan to run Peter out of town.

In fact, it didn't take long for any of the kids to get the message. Kids that received this messgae included Stan, Kenny, Cartman, Jimmy, Bebe, Wendy, and Kyle (The order in which the following quotes are spoken by)

Stan's mom, Sharon Marsh, walked in with a letter in hand, and gave it to Stan to read. Stan opened it and read aloud. "Dear _insert name here_, are you tired of the insanity that has been brought upon us by that bastard Peter Griffin?"

"Do you think of him as a f#cking douchebag whom which you wish nothing but torment for?"

"Well, you're not alone. You're just one of the many kids in South Park that are thinking the same thing."

"So, if y-if you would l-l-like to see him get his f-f-f-fatass handed to him,"

"And maybe even see him cry,"

"Then meet me at the old abandoned shack at the South Park dump at 8:00 pm on June 23rd. Refreshemnts & beverages will be served."

"I assure you, if our plan succeeds, the 'fatman' will be way over his head more than he was that time at the carnival."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Peter Griffin and Lois at the carnival, and Peter is play the "Knock the bottles down" game so he can win Lois a teddy bear. He threw his ball at the bottles, but only knocked the top ones off. The bottoms stayed fully in tact, pissing Peter off greatly. "Hey what the hell!? I knocked those bottles down!" He shouted to the manager of the stand, whom seemed unphased._

_"You knock all the bottles down, you win a prize. One still stands, you don't get jack." He said in a smug tone to Peter._

_"You take that back, you son of a bitch! I'm all outta bills, anyway!"_

_"Peter, please. Let's just go home. You don't have to do this."_

_"Yes I do, Lois. I promised you I would win you a bear before the night was over, and dammit, that's what I'm gonna do!"_

_Suddenly, the loudspeaker came on. "The Rhode Island AIDS Carnival will be closing in 10 minutes."_

_"Son of a bitch!" Peter shouted to himself before he noticed there was another game next to this one. It was a shooting game. "Hey, how much to play the 'Shooting Game'?" He asked the guy._

_"Tell you what? Since you're so deteremined, first one's on the house."_

_"Wow, thank you. That's so nice." Lois said._

_"And these are real authentic bullets?" Peter asked as he loaded them into the real shot gun._

_"Yessir."_

_"Thank you. In that case, I don't feel that I will miss any shots at all." Peter said assuringly, making the guy laugh. But he wasn't laughing for long, as Peter had actually started shooting at him, and shot so many times to his heart that he died. "Quick honey, grab the bear! I'll grab the money!" Peter ran back to the other booth and grabbed a big sack of money, while Lois grabbed a pink bear that reached from about her head to her chest._

_The two bolted for the exit, and Lois seemed preplexed. "Peter, we didn't play that many games, you know."_

_"And your point is?"_

_(End Cutaway)_

* * *

Stewie's message to all of the kids in South Park was that Peer was a menace and had to be kicked out somehow. So, later that night, at around 8 o' clock, the kids started piling into the South Park dump's shack.

Everyone, including Kyle, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, Wendy, Bebe, Craig, Clyde, Jimmy, Timmy, Tweek, Pip, Butters, Towlie, even Brian showed up, though Stewie was more than OK with it.

"Welcome, everybody, come on in!" Stewie said cheerfully as he welcomed the children into his home. They all came in looking sleep deprived, angry, and pissed off at Peter, Kyle looked the most angry and distraught, and he was wearing his sleeveless jacket. (Similar to the one he wore in "Good Times with Weapons") "Whoa, man, what the hell happened to you!?" Stewie took immediate notice to this.

"Don't you mean what _hasn't_happened to me!?" Kyle hissed at Stewie, with whatever voice he had left. "I have not slept a wink for an entire week since he's been here! I've had it! I can't take anymore of him, and I can't wait for him to die!!"

"Hang on there, buddy. We're just running him out of town, we're not killing him. Jeez, relax man. Don't get so uptight. Otherwise, you'll get like the fatman did during that dinner we had the first night."

_(Cue Flashback)_

_We flashback to the Griffin family, Cleveland, Stan, Mrs. Marsh, Mr. Marsh, Kyle, Mrs. Broflovski, and Mr. Broflovski enjoying a nice family dinner. Peter is really enjoying his fishsticks._

_"So...Mr. Griffin, you like those fishsticks?" Stan asked._

_"Yes."_

_"You like putting fishsticks in your mouth?"_

_"Uh-huh."_

_"What are you, a gay fish?" Stan, Kyle, and everyone else except Peter broke out into laughter. Peter simply grew madder and madder, but he waited for the laughter to die out before he took a metal platter on the table and smacked it over Stan's face, knocking him down to the ground right off the chair. Everyone in the room gasped hard._

_"Dude, what the f#ck!?" Kyle exclaimed._

_"What?"_

_"Why would you do that!?" Sharon asked in horror._

_"Because his joke sucked. It was the worst thing I have ever heard in my life. It doesn't make any sense, considering the fact that fishes have vaginas." Peter's last statement took everyone by surprise, as they all dropped their food, and looked at Peter like he was insane. "Fishes have vaginas, right?"_

_Though nobody chose to answer, Cleveland saw it best to leave his food, stand up from the table, and walk away quietly._

_(End Cutaway)_

Stewie gave everyone a little time after they had all arrived to socialize and enjoy the freshments, which were Pepsi, Sprite, Chips & dips, chocolate cookies, and even pie with Cool Hwhip--(oh dammit, now I'm doing it too!)

After about 15 minutes, he took the stage and turned on the microphone. "May I have everyone's attention?" Everyone quickly stopped socializing and paid attention to Stewie. "Now, as you may all know, Peter Griffin has been...well, basically, he's been annoying the hell out of us. Th-There are no words to describe how annoying he is. He's fat, rude, and he never thinks before he speaks, so all you hear is exactly what an abortionist would tell you."

"Um, excuse me?" Cartman raised his hand. "Can I say something? I think everyone is totally over-reacting to this. I mean, he's just living life to the fullest, isn't that the message Jesus wanted to pass onto us?"

"Do you even hear yourself talk?" Stewie questioned, appalled by Cartman's logic. "I might kill you tonight."

"I just don't understand what the big fuss is about. I mean, I could understand the Jews, but not th-"

_CRASH!_

Before anyone knew it, Kyle had blown up and thrown a chair at Cartman's face, leaving a giant scar on him. He then started repeatedly hitting Cartman all over with hard punches, while screaming at the top of his lungs. The kids gathered around to see Kyle beat the crap out of Cartman, especially Stan & Kenny, because they liked Kyle more. Stewie & Brian actually had to rush in and break up the fight! Stewie and Brian both took Kyle aside to calm him down from his vicious rampage. Meanwhile, Cartman, pissed off, decided to leave to defend Peter.

"That's right! _RUN AWAY, FATASS! _Cause you know I'll kick your ass!!" Kyle roared angrily to Cartman.

"You won't run him out of town on _my _watch, you dumb Jew!" Cartman fired back before running out of the clubhouse in rage. Kyle was breathing very fast and very hard to try to calm himself down. He was sweating up a storm, and was even starting to cry a little bit, Everyone in the club house was worrying greately about him. They clearly had never seen him this manic before.

"Easy boy, easy." Stewie said, trying to get Kyle to calm down. His heart was now racing as he couldn't take the stress. "Calm down, it's OK. It's OK, the fat bastard is gone now. OK?" Kyle was slowly getting his breathing back, as he looked around and saw everyone's concerned face. "It's alright, we're not mad. We just don't want another Christian Bale."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_A/N: The following is an audio file of Christian Bale's outburst during production of 'The Terminator Salvation', and a parody of the Family Guy episode 'Ocean's Three and a Half'. Viewer Discretion is advised._

_**Bale:** I want you off the f#cking set you prick!_

_**Peter:** Sorry._

_**Bale:** No, don't just be sorry. Think for one f#cking second!_

_**Peter:** I dropped a peanut M&M and it rolled over here._

_**Bale:** Am I gonna walk around and rip your f#cking lights down in the middle of a scene?_

_**Peter:** Those are Christmas lights. I put them up to make everybody happy._

_**Bale:** Then why the f#ck are you walking right through - uh, duh-duh, duh-duh, like this in the background? What the f#ck is it with you?_

_**Peter:** Boy, you are gonna owe a fortune to the sweat jar._

_**Bale:** You got any f#cking idea about, "Hey, it's f#cking distracting, having someone walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the f#cking scene!" Gimme a f#cking answer!_

_**Peter:** I-I don't get it._

_**Bale:** What don't you get about it?_

_**Peter:** I-I just-I don't get why we need another 'Terminator'. I just-I don't-I don't get it. Oh, and uh, by the way, sorry, I ate that last piece of pie that you were saving for yourself._

_**Bale:** Oh good for you! And how was it?_

_**Peter:** It was good._

_**Bale:** I hope it was f#cking good because it's useless now, isn't it?_

_**Peter:** Well, it's nourishing me, so that's...that's useful._

_**Bale:** F#ck's sake, man, you amateur._

_**Peter:** I don't know that word._

_**Bale:** Stay off the f#cking set, man. Right, let's go again._

_**Peter:** Can we just take a minute?_

_**Bale:** Let's not take a f#cking minute, let's go again!!_

_**Peter:** I gotta go pee, and I wanna walk around some more, but I wanna do it while the scene's going._

_**Bale:** You're unbelievable, man._

_**Peter:** You know, I just don't understand wh--_

_**Bale:** Ah, you don't f#cking understand what it's like working with actors, that's what that is._

_**Peter:** I don't-I don't think that's what that is..._

_**Bale:** That's what that is, man, I'm telling you!_

_**Peter:** Hey, my family's coming to town. Do you mind pretending that I'm the director?_

_**Bale:** I wanna f#cking kick your ass if you don't shut up for a second, all right?_

_**Peter:** Please don't hurt me, Mr. Bale!_

_**Bale:** I'm gonna go--You want me to go trash your f#cking lights!? Do you want me to f#cking trash 'em!?_

_**Peter:** No, I don't want you to trash 'em!_

_**Bale:** You do it one more f#cking time and I ain't walking on this set if you're still hired._

_**Peter:** Sorry, it's my first day._

_**Bale:** I'm f#cking serious. You're a nice guy. You're a nice guy._

_**Peter:** I don't feel like a nice guy._

_**Bale:** But that don't f#cking cut it when you're bullsh#ting and f#cking around like this on set._

_**Peter:** Jeez, you punch your mother with that mouth?_

_**Bale:** Seriously man, you and me, we're f#cking done professionally._

_**Peter:** Wait, just professionally? (gasps) Are you asking me out on a date!?_

_**Bale:** F#cking ass._

_(End Cutaway)_

"See what I mean!? This man is causing us to go completely manic on each other! We're not in control of our actions, we're not thinking straight, and we're heading down a path of hatred, doom, and whatever the hell Hillary Duff did to start September 11th."

"Excuse me, but what the hell is your point!?" Stan blabbed out, also cranky.

"The point is, it's Peter Griffin's fault we are becoming like this! We have to run him out of town for good! We just have to! But I'm not going to send a bunch of rogue, cranky, obnoxious, spiteful, and violently insane children out there and have him kill him. That is my job for when I have my bat mitzvah at 15."

"You're not gonna have a _bar _mitzvah, Stewie, because you're not Jewish." Brian informed.

"Yeah, only Jewish kids have bar mitzvahs when they reach the man age of 13." Kyle added.

"Aww, are you serious? Damn." Stewie whined. "And I wanted to ride up on that big chair during my bat mitzvah."

"You mean _bar _mitzvah?"

"Yeah, bat mitzvah."

"It's _bar _mitzvah for boys."

"What? I'm just saying I wanna have a bat mitzvah when I grow up."

Everyone sat silently for a moment, trying to hold in their frustration. Oddly enough, Kyle was having the least trouble, while Stan was having the most trouble. "OK, seriously, dude, you you're not gonna f#cking take this seriously, I'm walking out."

"Whoa, easy there, buddy. Hold your horses, you jerk." Stewie smirked to Stan, making him feel a bit guilty. Stewie took back to the stages, as Kyle tried to relax a little bit and stay calm. "Now, it has come to my attention that a few days ago one of you was accepted into the band as the fourth member, as the 'Queer' of 'Fat, Horny, Queer, N' Joe'?"

"Yeah, that was me." Craig replied raising his hand. "And for your information, the band name has changed to 'Scrotum-lickers' now."

Everyone started laughing hysterically at this name (except for Kyle, of course). "You've got be freakin' kidding me!" Stewie laughed. "What kind of freakin' name is that?"

"Oh my god, that's even worse than what Peter named our horse!" Brian added.

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the Quahog Horse Races, where Peter is in the owner's box, waiting for his horse (his retarded horse; this cutaway takes place during Family Gay) to come on._

_"And finally, #17, here comes Monkey-Scrotum, owned and trained by Peter Griffin." The announcer said as Peter's retarded horse came out and started running in all sorts of directions._

_"You named your horse "Monkey-Scrotum"?" Brian asked him._

_"Yeah. After my great grandfather, uncle "Uranus" Angus Griffin. He was a pedophile."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"So, anyway, what exactly did you find out about this band of his?" Stewie asked Craig after that pointless cutaway.

"Well, turns out that they use the 'Guitar Hero' gaming series to play their songs instead of actually learning them themselves."

"R-Really?"

"Yeah. He had me playing _Free Bird, Carry on Wayward Son, _and_ Crazy Train _on Expert Level."

"Seriously? Yep, I shoulda guessed. Considering all he's done in the past, I'm not surprised he stooped to this level. I'm surprised, though, that none of the adults have caught on to this yet."

"Well, face it, dude." Stan said. "Most of the adults in this town are complete idiots."

"Yes, I know that. That's why we have to show them that they're frauds, not just tell them. That's why I built this." He held up a small, black, barometer shaped chip with a red button in the middle. "I call this my **C**omputer **R**adhesive **A**dhesive** P**roject, or CRAP for short."

"Crap?"

"Well, it's kinda better than **C**omputer **U**nit **N**etwork **T**ransformer ."

"Oh, you mean C#nt?"

"Thank you. Kyle." Stewie said, grinding his teeth

"Sorry. What does that thing do?"

"Well, from what I know from past experiences with these kinds of games, that all of the controllers are connected to four PS2 stations that are all connected to one main super CPU that controls them all, which allows all four games to run at once as one game. What this thing will do is it will attach to the super CPU, and send out a computer virus to all of the Guitar Hero games, thus causing them to work differently, and ultimately, exposing the fatman for the idiot he truly is."

"And then that's when he hit him right!?" Kyle exclaimed pulling out boxing gloves. Everyone once again gave him confused and sicked looks, even Stewie did as well.

"Dude, what the hell is wrong with you!?" People started asking Kyle. "Are you sick in the head or something!?"

"You've got problems, dude."

"You're not all there, man."

"I like vaginas!" Kenny shouted out of nowhere, making everyone stop what they were saying and stare. Stewie was unimpressed and even cupped his forehead in frustration. Kyle once again had to hold in his anger an rage, but had a hard time doing it, so to relieve himself, he gave Kenny the finger.

"OK, that's it. Stan, I'm putting you in charge of this thing. All of you meet me at the South Park mid-town stage tomorrow night. They go on at 7:00 so meet me there at 6:00 so we can go over the battle plan one more time before they go on. This man must be taken down! He's done too much damage already! Oh, that reminds me, Butters," He called to Butters, who stood up imediately. "If you're wondering about your parents, you can blame my father."

"W-What!?"

"Yep. Saw the whole thing."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to the residence of Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, Butters's parents. There is a knock on the door, and Stephen Stotch gets up from the couch to answer it. Peter is standing there, naked, and drunk. He starts singing Christmas Carols._

_"We-We wish you a M-Merry Jew Lugaring's Disease Day..." Peter doesn't get any furrther than the firtst line before he lost his balance and fell to the ground. He looked up at Stephen. "H-H-Hey, T-Tom Cruise. What the h-hell are you doing here in Japan?"_

_"What are you talking about? We're in Colorodo."_

_"Alright, you snot-nosed bitch!" Peter muttered angrily, as he barged right into the hoe, and started beating him adnd his wife up. "You wanna play hard ball, then I'll play my share of the game, you stupid bastard!"_

_"AAAHHHH!" Were the screams heard from Mr. and Mrs Stotch, as Peter, still in his drunken state, forced them out of the house. As the door shut behind him, they started making their way towards the street. "Oh, well that's just perfect! We've been kicked out of our own home by some fat bastard!"_

_"What are we gonna tell Butters?"_

_"Well...we'll just have to tell him that we're moving to another home far away...he's sure to buy it...hey do you hear beeping?" Mr Stotch noticed that there was a faint beeping sound in their ears. They then looked down and saw a flashing light on the ground before it completely blew up in their face. They were left covered in dirt and soot, and were knocked unconscious, presumably dead. Then Stewie ran into the picutre, gleaming because he believed he had finally killed Lois._

_"Ha! Yes! I did it! In your face..." He looked down to see that not only had he not killed Lois, but he had seemingly killed Butters's parents instead. "...bitch? Uh oh. Oh boy. Oh dear. Oh boy, this is bad. This is very bad."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"Oh that sick son of a biscuit!" Butters shouted as he ducked behind one of his chairs, presumably hiding. "He may think he's so smart!" Only to leap into the air and right onto the stage, now in his costume of his alter ego 'Professor Chaos'. "But what he doesn't know is that behind this seemingly nice and pretty 9-year old lies the world's most devious and cunning supervillain ever known!"

"Darth Vadar?" Stewie asked bluntly, leaving Butters confused. "I don't know, I'm guessing, here."

"No. No, I-I mean Professor Chao-"

"Remember. South Park stage, 6:00 tomorrow. Meeting adjourned." Stewie said firmly as he stepped down from the stage as everyone started leaving. Stan, Stewie, Kenny, & Brian all helped Kyle get down from the chair and helped him to the door.

"Dude, you don't look so good." Stan commented, noting on Kyle's blodshot eyes and pale skin.

"I don't feel good either. I haven't slept in a week."

"And you're hot as hell, too." Brian added, feeling Kyle's forehead. "You really ought to get yourself to bed and at least try to sleep."

"Yeah,. You're right. Oh hang on." Kyle stopped for a moment and proceeded to take off his jacket. He was sweating all over, and was hot all over. Stan and Brian helped it off him, while Stewie simply stared jaw dropped at Kyle's naked torso.

"Dude, why're you taking your jacket off?" Stan asked.

"Because there's no way I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight if I'm sweating through my clothes." Kyle replied, wiping sweat from his brow. Stan helped him out of the shack and home, while Brian stayed behind. "See ya tomorrow, bro." Kyle yelled to Stewie on his way out.

"Oh-Oh yes, yes...young boy...don't forget the uh--the uh...Disney Channel...Hannah Montana..." Stewie drabbled on, distracting by Kyle's physique. Brian took note to this.

"That wasn't even a sentence." Brian said to Stewie, snapping him out of his trance. "You were ogling at Kyle's naked torso and his ass like a horny schoolboy."

"Ah, I know, I know. But look I know it's wrong, but I don't see a problem with it. I mean, I'm just a one year old baby. I've got my whole life ahead of me to find out if I'm gay or not."

"Yeah, but you're 8 years younger than him. And for that matter, don't you find it the least bit odd to be head over heels for your own brother."

"Oh I checked the test results. We're not related at all."

"Really?"

"Nope. And uh, guess what else? Peter took me to have a paternity test...the f#cking day I was born! I mean, he forgot about it for all this time."

"Why does that not surprise me?"

"And besides, I'm just exploring my options. Just trying to find myself. Does exploring my sexuality really make me a bad person?"

"Only to the Mexicans, Steiwe. Only to the Mexicans."

**End of Chapter 6!**

**Next Time: Whatever happened to Chris and those two drunken canadian idiots? Find out in Chapter 7.**

**Then in Chapter 8: Will Stewie's plan go down well enough to put an end to Peter's reign of terror? Will Stewie ever get Kyle in bed with him?**

**Expected Update: May 12th**

**Next Update: Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park -- May 12th. RXR!!**


	7. Canadian Tea with A Retarded Guy

**Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)**

**Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye**

**Chapter 7: The Handi-Quacks in: Canadian Tea Party with a Retarded Guy**

**A/N: This chapter begins approximately 6 days in the past, right after the time Chris was picked up by Terrance & Philip for his prize. **

**Disclaimer: _South__Park_and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

* * *

_6 days earlier..._

Meanwhile, they haven't made it to Canada yet, and already Chris was enjoying his day with Terrance and Phillip. Oh boy, this is gonna be fun. (My anus)

"Oh boy, this is gonna be fun!" Chris exclaimed after they had left. "An entire day with two Canadian TV stars that have totally changed my life. You guys have really taught me the meaning of life!"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to a bunch of people gathered around a small puppy that is sick and wounded greatly. It needs medical attention right away or it'll die._

_"Or poor thing. It's so sick." One of the women said about the puppy._

_"Someone call an ambulence! This dog is going to die!" Another one shouted. At that precise moment, Chris came into the picture, looking seldom as usual. "Quick! You boy, call the ambulence!" The man said to Chris. "This dog needs medical attention!"_

_"It does!? Oh my god!" Chris went up to the puppy and slowly picked it up, while blood spewed out of its abdomen wound. "Don't worry, everyone! I'll get this puppy to the hospital before its too late! The world can't afford another Michael Vick raping!" And with that, Chris took off for the hospital (Parodying **Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory**, along with **"Wasted Talent"** and **"FOX-y Lady"**.)_

_He ran as much as twenty-four blocks before he was almost there. But then, he accidentally bumped into Peter, and the two fell to the ground. Peter clutched his kneecap and immediately began to grunt in pain (As he did in **"Wasted Talent", **and **"Brian Goes Back to College"**, and as Lois does in **"FOX-y Lady"**.) Soon, Chris also began mimicking his father's actions._

_(End Cutaway)_

"So, where are we going first?: Chris asked the two Canadian stars.

"Well, it's 10:00 right now, so Terrance & I have yet to have breakfast, so--"

"OOOOH! OOOOH! BURGER KING! BURGER KING! Let's go to Burger King! Oh I just love their kids meals!" Chris shouted in glee as the bus approached a Burger King. Chris immediately rushed to the front and took the wheel from Terrance, and drove up to the Drive-in window.

"_Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order_?"

"Um, yeah, can I have...uh...three double cheeseburgers, two servings of a #2, and...uh," Chris turned to Terrance & Phillip. "Hey guys, if I order fries, would you guys want some? Cause if I don't share, I'm gonna feel like a fatty."

* * *

The drive in didn't work, so Terrance, Phillip, and Chris all went inside to order their food. Terrance & Phillip both got Whoppers, while Chris simply settled for an 8 piece Chicken Tenders.

CHris was enjoying his food more than he had ever expected. "Wow, these are delicious!" Chris shouted orgasmically. "You know, I never really seemed to like Chicken Tenders before. But...today, I don't know. It just seems like...you know, it seems like they complete me today." Upon the word 'Complete', Terrance & Phillip looked up at Chris in horror. "I mean, it's 8 pieces, so it feels like a finished set to me, right?"

"Oh will you just shut the f#ck up already!" Terrance blazed in rage.

"Jeez, what the hell is wrong with _you_ today? You're like Christian Bale...oh wait, we already made that reference. Sorry."

* * *

After breakfast, Chris, Terrance, & Phillip decided to go back to central Canada to take Chris on a tour of the studio to show them where their show was filmed.

"Wow, I've never been in a studio booth before." Chris said to himself as Terrance & Phillip took him down to their studio where their show was filmed. "This is probably the best day of my sad, short life. It's definitely better than that time I was on that _Nickelodeon Crusie Line_."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Chris Griffin in the audience of a Nickelodeon Cruise Line show. It is the time of the show where one lucky person gets to be slimed._

_"Alright, ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of the night again, where one of you lucky audience members gets to be slimed!" The host shouted into his microphone, as everyone anxiously awaited to be slimed. When the slime finalyl came out from below, it was Chris who was lucky. The only problem was...that he wasn't slimed with actual slime. Instead, he was hit with someone's sperm. Chris felt truly disgusted with the feel of sperm on him, as did the audience and the host._

_Chris almost threw up, but he held it in, and the host knew immediately he was out of a job. But before he could say anything after a moment of silence, Lois stormed onto the stage and punched the guy right out._

_(End Cutaway)_

"Oh, that reminds me of this killer joke." Chris interrupted. "OK, so you're a homo and you're looking into a dirty, bloody hole. What are you?"

"Horny?"

"Queer?'

"No. A Gynochologist." All three broke out into laughter, as they knew Chris had ripped that off from one of their jokes.

"That was funny, kid."

"Yeah, looks like you've been studying your Terrance & Phillip, haven't you?"

"Oh yeah. Ever since I heard about this contest...36 hours ago, I've done nothing but read up on you guys. You are really the funniest people of television...well, next to Bob Saget of course. He's #1 in my book."

"Well, yeah of course. Can't argue with that."

"Which brings me to my next question..." Chris seemed very serious about his next question, and Terrance & Phillip had a good guess what it was going to be. "When are you guys getting renewed for another season? I mean, I checked all of your blogs online and none of them say anything about it. Am I missing something here?"

Terrance & Phillip both looked at Chris, and then at each other. Chris wasn't playing around with his joke, and they both knew it was time for him to learn the truth. "Well, actually, Chris..." Terrance began. "About that...we're...kind of..."

"Cancelled." Phillip finished.

"Cancelled? What the hell are you talking about!?"

"Well...the network has just decided that with all the news shows coming in...like _The Queef Sisters_-"

"What the f#ck!? Are they insane!? They're replacing you with two lesbians who do nothing but blow air out of their holes for 11 minutes!?"

"I know."

"That's exactly what we said to the network president!" Terrance added. "Anyway, with the new shows taking off and getting better ratings, they just decided that it was best for Canada to move on without Terrance & Phillip! We've done everything we could to try and get ourselves renewed."

"Well what about this contest. Maybe because I won it, it'll be enough to-"

"No, don't bother kid."

"Yeah, actually, this contest was just to promote our last episode _The Farts vs, the Queefs_." Phillip said to Chris. "We really had no intention of making friends with the winner, nor do we really give a crap about you at all."

"Oh. I see...well, I'm sorry you're show's getting canned. I wish there was something I could do about it."

"Well what the hell could you possibly do!? I mean, you're like, 14."

"Yeah, this is just like sneaking into an R rated movie."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Chris trying to just casually walk into a movie theater that is showing an R rated movie. But before he even gets past the ticket booth, two guards jump him and start beating him recklessly to the ground. When they are through, Chris is left with a bloody nose, a broken jaw, 4 ribs brokens, his testicles cracked, and one of his eardrums busted._

_(End Cutaway)_

"I guess now I see why you guys got so upset back in Burger King. I thought you were just having your period."

Terrance & Phillip looked at each other in confusion. "Um...men cannot get periods, fwend." Terrance replied.

"Well sorry!" Chris exaggerated sarcastically. "And don't call me fwend, guy!"

"I'm not your guy, buddy."

"I'm not your buddy, fwend!"

"He's not your fwend, buddy!" Phillip jumped in.

"I'm not your buddy, guy!"

"He's not your guy, buddy!"

"I'm not your buddy, fwend!"

"I'm not your fwend, guy!"

"Uranus!" Chris suddenly shouted randomly, porbably in hopes of stopping the argument. "Is my response to your last little quote there."

"Wow, that was f#cking retarded." Phillip said to Chris, with Terrance agreeing.

"Well it was either look retarded or continue arguing with you guys for the rest of the day or stop it before it gets out of hand so we can progress with the episode."

* * *

After the tour of the studio ended, Terrance, Phillip, and Chris all got into the bus and headed back to Burger King to get dinner. They all got the same things that they had gotten earlier that day, because none of them really were in the mood to get something else.

"I can't believe you guys are getting cancelled." Chris moaned as he ate his nuggets. "It seems like only yesterday that you guys enlightened my life with your brand of late-night comedy with your red-neck chins and stuff."

"That's the Jay Leno show, you dick!" Terrance angrily said.

"Oh. Well, still, it sucks that you guys are cancelled."

"I know. We were doing so well. We were getting good ratings. But I guess with all the Canadian shows the network is adopting, we're just too plain and too old to do this anymore."

"Wait, what did you say?"

"We're just too plain and old to do this anymore?"

"Before that."

"We were getting good ratings?"

"NO! In the middle!"

"With all the Canadian shows the network is adopting-"

"Stop! Right there, that's it! Don't you guys see? Because the network is adopting so many _Canadian _TV shows, you guys have lost your ratings and your fans. But...what if the network picks up a show _outside _of Canada?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I need you guys to take me home. I have to pick up something from my house! Then take me back to ths studio! We're saving your show!"

"But we can't!"

"Why not!? You don't trust me?"

"No, I mean, we really can't. Someone just hijacked our bus." Terrance said, pointing outside to two drunken idiots making off with the bus.

"Oh. Oh well, that's not gonna stop me." The three friends finished their meals and thenw ent outside. Chris asked Terrance for his pistol, which he gave him. They stood in the streets for about ten minutes looking for a car. Finally, one saw their signal and stopped for a moment. He waited for them to ask him something. He was about to take off again, when Chris suddenly popped up by the driver's window.

"_GET OUT OF THE F#CKING CAR!_" He screamed, causing the driver to scream as well. "_GET OUT OF THE F#CKING CAR RIGHT NOW MAN_! He smashed the driver's window with his pistol.

"_OH JESUS!_"

"_GET OUT OF THE F#CKING CAR! DO IT! GO!! DO IT OR I'LL F#CKING KILL YOU!_" With the help of Terrance and Philip, Chris got the driver out of the car. "_GET THE F#CK OUT OF THE F#CKING CAR_!" Then the driver hysterically crawled away, screaming, while Terrance, Phillip, and Chris climbed into the car, and Phillip started driving.

"Did we just carjack someone?" Phillip asked.

"We sure did, Phillip. We sure did."

* * *

_3 days later..._

So Terrance and Phillip obeyed Chris's wish to return home. Due to the car they hijacked breaking down, getting destroyed by an oncoming track, and the fact that they then had to walk 1,000+ miles to Chris's house, and then back to the TV station, it took them 3 days. In reality, Chris only wanted to go home so he could get a video tape of Peter's old show _Handi-Quacks_, in hopes that it would be so bad that it would get Terrance & Phillip renewed.

"Thanks for hearing my proposal, sir." Chris said to the president of the Canadian TV network once they finally arrived at the station.

"You realize that the only reason I'm even having this meeting with you isbecause you are the contest winner. You have no prior credits."

"I know that. But, I assure you that after you see what I have in store for you, you'll have no choice but to renew Terrance & Phillip."

"Well, I doubt that. But what the hell, I'm in for a good laugh today."

"OK, sit tight." Chris popped the videotape into the VCR, and sat back and watched as the opening sequence of the (poorly drawn) cartoon _Handi-Qaucks_ started playing.

_**Peter: **On day three ducks were crossing a road  
Going to get some soda  
But they weren't looking where thye were going  
And a bus came along and hit them all._

_Now they're handcapped and...and uh, no that's pretty much it.  
Handi-quacks. (And they never got their soda!)_

The scene on the TV screen switched to a poorly drawn scene where the three ducks (Red Hiney Monkey, Poopyface Tomato-Nose, and Curnel Tushfinger) were playing with a house of cards that kept falling down.

"Why won't this house stay up!?" Said Red Hiney Monkey (Whom was voiced by Joe in the episode **FOX-y Lady**)

"Our palms are sweaty and slippery because of the new heater I just bought." Poopyface Tomato-Nose replied. (Being voiced by Quagmire)

"How did you afford the new heater?" Curnel Tushfiner asked. (Cleveland)

"SImple I walked into the store and told them 'Put it on my bill'."

The joke, as lame and retarded as it was to us...it seemed even more retarded to the president of the Canadian TV station. As Chris looked at him to see what kind of reaction he was getting, he was a bit surprisd yet satisfied with the results.

"What the hell was that bullsh#t?" The president asked Chris. "That was horrible. That wasn't even bad enough to be considered a horror film."

"I don't getit."

"The show was bad. There's no way!"

"Oh but sir, that's the point! It's supposed to be crappy!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Look. I've only been in Canada for like, 24 hours, but I know a little bit about how you Canadians think. See, it's a known fact that Canadians are stuck up jerks who will only watch television that was made in Canada or by Canadians. Now, _Handi-quacks_ was made in America by a fat Irish dude who lives in Rhode Island."

"What's your point?"

"My point is that Canadians are ignorant enough to only like shows from Canada. So, if you put this show on your network, fans will be so disgusted by it that they'll want to wait for other shows to come on to drown out the sorrow, like Terrance & Phillip, perhaps?"

"Hmmm..." He pondered on the thought for a moment, and he truly did think that i was a good idea. "You know it's crazy...but it just might work! And it better too. Us Canadians can't afford to see another one of our fine shows go down. Not after _Shattered_."

"Wasn't that made in the United Kingdom though?"

"Oh yeah."

"You know my dad was on that show."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Peter Griffin along with 8 other people in classroom desks, about to perform their second Performance Test of the game._

_"Alright, contestants, you have exactly 30 seconds to write your own name." The host said, as he started his stopwatch and the contestants began writing their name. All of them were low on sleep, so they all had trouble...except for Peter, that is. Of course, then again he wasn't actually writing his name._

_"ADONE!" He shouted when he finished, as he held up his paper. "I drawed a horsie!" He said again in a baby voice as he held up his picture, which not only was not his own name, nor a "horsie" like he said...insead it was a deaf black guy dry humpin a wall covered in wet paint. The host cupped his forehead and groaned._

_(End Cutaway)_

**End of Chapter 7!**

**Next Time: The boys put their plan into action, and hopefully, Peter'll calm down and end this dumb charade. Then again, this is _Peter_ we're talking about.**

**Expected Update: May 12th.**

**Next Update: Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park -- May 12th.**


	8. What Not to Do at a Rock N' Roll Concert

**Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)**

**Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye**

**Chapter 8: What Not to Do at a Rock N' Roll Concert**

**Disclaimer: _South__Park_and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

* * *

_Present time..._

It was now the day of 'Fat, Horny, Queer N' Joe's Concert, where they would play the legendary _Free Bird_ song on Guitar Hero II. No one knew that the band was resorting to using Guitar Hero except for the kids of South Park. SO they decided to expose them as the frauds they were.

It was 6:00 in South Park, and all of the kids were gathering at the stage, where Stewie was at, so they could go over the plan one more time. The kids all formed around Stewie, with Kyle being held up by Stan. Kyle was now so worn down from the stress he was suffering he couldn't hold himself up, so Stan had to hold him up for him. It was clear that Stan was extremely worried about his best friend, as was everyone else, including Stewie & Brian.

"Thank you all for coming." Stewie said to them as the clock struck 6. He took out his Computer Rapist Adhesive Project, or CRAP, for short, out and held it up. "Now, what I hold in my hand is the key to the success of our plan. All we have to do is attach this to the super CPU that connects all of their 'Guitar Hero' gaming systems, and after they turn it on, their games'll be glitched, they mess up the song, it ends abrutly, they're exposed, we win." He handed the thing to Stan. "Stan, you're in charge of this. You have to find the super CPU that connects the four gaming systems, attach this to it, and then they'll all become glitched and infected."

"Dude, are you sure this'll work? Isn't this a bit risky?"

"Well yes, but would you rather spend the next week in torture with him!?"

"No."

"Good. Now, I called you here this earlier because this machine has one fatal weakness. Due to its intense viral capacity, once activated, it'll take a total of 30 minutes to activate."

"What!? Why so long, dude?"

"It's a strong computer virus!? What the hell do you expect. But don't worry. The concert is at least an hour, and they don't go on _for_ another hour. So that's more than enough time. This way, the computer virus will easily penetrate the game systems and cause them to make fools of themselves."

"OK, what exactly does this virus do?" Wendy asked them.

"Well basically....uh, how do I explain this? You know how you come up to a vending machine and your press D2 hoping to get a chocolate bar, but instead D8 comes out and you get one of those goddamn beef jerkys?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, this is basically that, only a hell of a lot more colorful. Oh boy, this plan is gonna go down perfectly! As long as everything goes accordingly, by the night's end, the townspeople will be hating him more than the other vowels hate Y."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to all five of the vowels, 'A', 'E', 'I', 'O', and 'U', sitting around in a buisness meeting._

_"If you'll turn to page 34 of your bluebooks," 'A' began. "You'll see our projections for next quarter," When all of a sudden, the door busts open and the letter 'Y' comes in talking loudly on his cell phone._

_"OK. OK. Yeah. Alright. Oh-OK, you know what, I'm in a meeting, I'll call you back." And then 'Y' hung up the phone obnoxiously and took his seat in the business meeting._

_"Well, well, well, look who decided to show up." 'E', said bitterly while he crossed his arms._

_"So, what are we talking about here?"_

_"Well, before you-" 'U' started to explain before 'Y's cell phone went off again._

_"Oh, I'm sorry." He answered his phone. "F, what's up? No, no, I can talk."_

_(End Cutaway)_

To everyone's surprise, Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and unfortunately, Craig, took the stage and grabbed their instrument. "Uh, excuse me, may I have your attention please?" Peter said into the microphone.

"What the hell? It's not time yet, is it?"

"No it is not. Those idiots are not scheduled to go on for another hour."

"Um, thank you all for coming out tonight." Peter said into the microphone again. "Um, the reason I asked you all to come this earlier is because we are starting this early. See, tonight is my sex night with Lois, and I wanna be nice and high when I get home for her. So, yeah we're starting right now."

"SON OF A BITCH!?" Stewie yelled in frustration.

"What the hell, man!?" Stan agreed. "Now we're as good as screwed!"

"Not necessarily." Stewie said to Stan, as he took out a laser pen, and started working on his contraption again for a couple of seconds while 'Fat, Horny Queer, N' Joe' set up on stage. "There. Done."

"What did you do to it?"

"I fixed it around so now it'll activate in only 30 seconds. The problem is it'll only work at half efficiency, like Peter does when he's drunk. But that's a risk we have to take. Stan," He handed Stan the device. "You have to plug this into the super CPU. It's the only way it'll work."

"Right." Stan took the device and started running quickly towards backstage, while at the same time, trying to avoid being seen by anyone at all. When Stan went back stage, he noticed the four Playstation systems with the Guitar Hero game in them connected to one giant machine that was apparently the super CPU that Stewie was talking about. "Son of a bitch." Stan was absolutely blown away by how big it was. He slowly moved towards the thing, and plugged the **CRAP** (Computer Rapist Adhesive Project) into an open outlet that wasn't being used.

After he did so, a little timer came on reading 1:30. Stan was grinning evily when this happened, as he knew that no longer he would have to put up with Peter's stupidity. However, seconds later, the device started sparking up really badly. Stan didn't know what this mean, but he could immediately tell that it wasn't a good sign, so he ran back out to the audience and took his seat.

"Dude, dude, the thing started sparkling out of control." Stan told Stewie. "I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing!"

"Dammit," Stewie growled, grinding his teeth. "I knew this would happen. The thing is supposed is take time to activate so it'll work at full power. But now, not even the lord himself can save us. Jeez, I thought making a fool out of Peter would be simpler than this, but it's turned out to be harder than taking out Hitler."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Adolf Hitler, balancing oon a unicycle and juggling. All of a sudden, Peter runs in and punches the unicycle, knocking it off the ground and knocking Hitler to the ground. Peter then punches Hitler in the face. "See, we had a plan for that all along."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"Alright, South Park, are you ready to rock!?" Peter yelled into the microphone, as the adults of the town started cheering. "And now, ladies and gentlemen...we will now perform in its perfection..._The Guitar Hero 3 Most Impossible Song_!"

"Yeah! KICK ASS..." Joe yelled before his brain processed the last bit of his statement. "Wait, what?"

"Oh yeah. I added the Most Impossible Song from Guitar Hero 3 to our song list. I wanna see if we can do it perfectly."

"Peter, the last time you tried that, you crashed a 9-year old's television set."

"Oh yeah. But don't worry, I've been practicing."

"Yeah, but _we_ haven't, you idiot!" Quagmire scolded. "There's no way we're gonna be able to play it."

"Of course we are. YOu just gotta believe that you can do it. OK, go." Peter shouted as all four turned on their games and selected the "Most Impossible Song" in the song selection. The song started easy so nobody suspected anything.

But in just seconds the song got extremely hard, and now all four had to struggle to hit their notes (except for Quagmire, whom didn't have any vocals in this song). The adults' cheering for the band immediately subsided, as most of them slowly began to get suspicious. The song just got hardder and harder.

Stewie's spirit was broken because his plan had failed. But, upon seeing Peter and friend sstruggle with their song so much, his hope was renewed. "Hmm. Looks like we might have a chance after all."

The song didn't get far into itself before the CPU started overloading with so many. Finally, after about 4,300 notes, the entire thing exploded into billions of pieces, taking with it the four Playstation 2 systems and the Guitar Hero game controllers. The resulting explosion caused the curtains behind them to catch on fire, and burn down, exposing their plan and themselves. Now, it was undeniable that they were up to something to the adults of South Park.

"Hey, wait a minute!?" Randy yelled.

"They're fakes!" Mr. Garrison jumped in.

Peter immediately knew that he was close to being exposed. He knew he had to figure out a way to defend himself even though nearly all of the evidence was there. "Uh oh. Uh...now everyone, I know this looks bad, but..." But the townsfolks were already ready to attack him. "Oh boy."

"Peter, it's too late! Just admit that it's a fraud and everything else you've done and accept your punishment!"

"No way, Joe! Besides, it's not over yet! I still my signature move."

"And what the hell might that be!?"

"**The distraction**." He turned to the townsfolks and held his hands up, and they immediately stopped. "Ladies and gentlemen...Mr. Conway Twitty."

And then as if by magic, the screen panned over to Conway Twitty, about to perform one of his musicals, as part of Peter's 'distraction'.

_I can almost hear the stillness  
As it yields to the sound of your heart beating  
bum bum bum_

_And I can almost hear the echo  
Of the thoughts that I know you must be thinking  
bum bum bum_

_And I can feel your body tremble  
As you wonder what this moment holds in store  
bum bum bum_

_And as I put my arms around you  
I can tell you've never been this far before  
bum bum bum_

_I don't know what I'm saying  
As my trembling fingers touch forbidden places  
bum bum bum_

_I only know I've waited  
For so long for the chance that we are taking  
bum bum bum_

_I don't know and I don't care  
What made you tell him you don't love him anymore  
bum bum bum_

_And as I taste your tender kisses  
I can tell you've never been this far before  
bum bum bum_

_And as I take the love you're giving  
I can feel the tension building in your mind  
uh huh huh_

_And you're wondering if tomorrow  
I'll still love you like I'm loving you tonight  
uh huh huh_

_You have no way of knowing  
but tonight will only make me love you more  
bum bum bum_

_And I hope that you'll believe me  
Cause I know you've never been this far before  
bum bum bum  
bum bum bum_

At the end of that 3 minute song, the screen returned to the regular scene. However, all Peter's distraction did was distract the viewers from what had actually happened. See, during the performance, the towns folks kidnapped Peter, and some of them held him down while others held weapons to him and prepared to shoot him.

"Wow, this is _not_ what I had in mind." Peter said as they held him down and others aimed at him. "Look, guys, there's-there's no need to get violent or anything.

Meanwhile, in the audience, the kids, Stewie, and Brian were enjoying Peter's suffering.

"Well this didn't go down exactly how I had planned it. But, he's suffering, so...really, I don't give a crap." Stewie commented.

"Yeah, it looks like our parents are gonna give him what he deserves." Stan also said. "About time too. Nothing can ru-in this day." Stan replied next, trying to copycat and annoy Stewie. Stewie was definitely annoyed, as he turned around viciously to look at Stan. However, he then proceeded to beat Stan in the head with his pistol.

"_THAT'S NOT FUNNY_!" Stewie roared into his ears.

Meanwhile, back with the folks, just as they were about to attack Peter for his wrong-doing, Cartman came rushing into the picture to stop them.

"STOP! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" Cartman yelled to them, forcing them to put down their weapons temporarily. "What the f#ck do you think you're doing!?"

"We're gonna teach Peter Griffin a lesson that it's not right to fake beign rock stars by using video games!?" Mr. Garrison told Cartman.

"Yeah! He actually put hope into our miserable lives. M'kay?" Mr. Mackey added.

"Wow, this must be the saddest moments of your lives." Cartman mocked. "Right Peter?"

"Shut up Meg."

"You should all be ashamed of yourselves!!" Cartman yelled to them. "You're belittling this guy just because he's expressing himself!"

"_OH BULLSH#T!!!_" Kyle screamed at the top of his lungs as he rushed over to Cartman, hitting him in the process. "You belittle _me_ all the time for being Jewish."

"That's different. Jews can't defend themselves."

"_IT IS NOT DIFFERENT, YOU F#CKING FATASS!_" He was screaming louder than ever now into Cartman's ears, and it was literally deafening him. "Don't make it seem like it's OK to defend him and not me because he's Christian and I'm not."

"Actually, I'm Catholic." Was Peter's response. After all the torment, pain, and suffering that Kyle had gone through in the past week because of him, it was no surprise to any of the kids, not even Stewie, that Kyle turned around and glared viciously at Peter. The adults, however, were surprised (Except for Mr. & Mrs. Broflovski).

"_YOU! SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YA FAT F#CK!_" Kyle growled sinisterly to Peter, which caused him to be taken slightly aback. Kyle started storming towards Peter, anger building up inside of him. He was now running on pure adrenaline, and he was running out fast. "_You have done nothing b ut harass me, make fun of me, invade my privacy, and drive me insane since you got here_!"

"I've only been here for a week, though."

"_EXACTLY MY POINT_!" Kyle was breathing, no, hyperventilating now, as his mucles tightened up, and his heart nearly beat out of his chest. "I don't even care if you're my real dad or not-"

"Which he's not!" Stewie shouted to Kyle.

"But I don't ever want to see you in my life again! Ever! You need to get the hell outta town, now!!"

"Now hang on a sec, Jew--"

At that point, Kyle had gone crazy and had now started attacking Cartman again. Peter, not even realizing it because he wasn't freaking out, went over to Kyle, gave him a hard slap in his butt, and then pinched a pressure point on his shoulder, causing him to pass out. Unfortunately, without the activeness of his body, his heart wasn't fit to continue the way it was, and as a result, Kyle began suffering a hear tattack, which no one could recognize except for Brian.

"Oh my god! He's having a heart attack!" Brians houted, causing Peter to laugh.

"Oh you're too funny, Brian."

"No, no I think he's serious." Mr. Garrison said, kneeling down and listening to Kyle's heart, which was now beating extremely irregularly. "Oh yeah, he's having a heart attack."

"HA HA! OH MY GOD-Oh my-oh my god, are you serious?" Peter suddenly realized that they weren't joking around when they said that Kyle was having a heart attack. "Oh. Just checking." And then he took out a book and started reading it, leaving everyone shocked and surprised.

"Peter , aren't you gonna take this boy to the hospital!?" Lois asked in shock.

"Um, no Lois. I am not."

"Why not, goddammit!?" Stan asked, making his way towards Peter. "Y-You're just gonna let my best friend lay there and die!?" Tears were swelling up in his eyes, as he could not stand the fact as losing his best friend.

"If you recall, uh..."

"Stan."

"Smith?"

"Stan."

"Hayley?"

"Stan!"

"Roger. Um, if you'll recall, he said he does not want anything to do with me. If I were to take him to the hospital, that would be having to do something with him, thus violating his words."

"OH sure, when the f#cking kid's dying of a heart attack, you listen to him. But when he's in perfect health, you tune him out and party like those barnyard animals on Nickelodeon!?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Ugh! You are unbelievable, Peter! If we don't get this kid to a hospital soon, he's going to die, and it's all your fault! How could you do this...to your own son..."

"Oh yeah, see, about that. I frogot to tell you-"

"Here we go." Stewie groaned to himself.

"See, the day that Stewie was born, I had a feeling that they would be related-"

"Oh boy."

"So I got a paternity test back then and the results came up negative."

"Of course."

"What!?" Lois shrieked. "And you waited all this time to tell us!?!?!?"

"Yeah, cause apprently, it's not my problem anymore. See ya, bitches." He said smugly as he saluted everyone before turning around and heading for the streets...

_BAM!_

Only to be hit head on by a giant bus and being launched several feet down the street, while the bus started to swirve its backside around until it crashed into a cable line and knocked it down, causing most of the other cable lines to go down, and this pattern repeated itself until one that was knocked down crashed into Cleveland's house.

The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when the pole lines crashed into it, and when it did, the debree from his house fell. He was in the bathtub when this happened, and the force of the crash was so strong that it caused the debree that was holding up the floorboard to fall.

The floorboard slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. Cleveland noticed that the cable lines were down, and he sulked. "Dammit. I'm gonna miss _The Jerry Springer Show_ again."

Meanwhile, back with everyone else, inside the bus, it was revealed to be Chris, Terrance & Phillip.

"Guys, are you OK!? What happened!?" He immediately asked when he got out of the bus. He took a good look around at what had happeened, from Kyle having a heart attack to the stage exploding with Peter's plan failure. "Boy, I gotta stop goin' out of town so much."

**End of Chapter 8!**

**Well, there you have it. Chapter 8 is completed. If I keep working at this pace, I'll have the entire story done before weekend's end. (Boy, that was kind of redundant and retarded, wasn't it?)**

**Next Time: What'll happen to little Kyle Broflovski? Will he stay alive and make it through this horrific experience? Will he perish and take Kenny's place as the idiot who dies in every episode? No, not really. Plus, did Chris's plan to revive the _Terrance & Phillip_ show work? Also, I'll give you a full summary of my next story "Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!", and you'll understand why after the next chapter.**

**Expected Update: May 9th.**

**Next Update: Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park -- May 9th.**

**Keep those hits & reviews coming!**


	9. Resolutions, Curtsey of Peter Griffin

**Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)**

**Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye**

**Chapter 9: Resolutions, Curtosy of Peter Griffin**

**A/N: Only one more chapter left and an epilogue coming up. This is final chapter of the story followed by the epilogue. Believe me, if you're still reading this story, you won't be disappointed with how it ends.**

**Disclaimer: _South__Park_and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

* * *

Kyle was loaded into the tour bus, and everyone piled in and drove off to the hospital (Except for Peter, who suddenly got the idea he was _The Flash_ and could run at super speed, and decided to walk).

It didn't take long for Kyle to be put in a hospital room and checked out by the drs, one of them being Dr. Hartman from Rhode Island.

While Kyle was being looked at, everyone else waited patiently in the waiting room. All of them, even Stan, were dreading and preparing for the worst. Stan and Stewie seemed the most worried (though Stewie for different reasons).

"I can't believe it." Stan muttered to himself. "I can't believe I could possibly watch my best friend die right in front of me, and there's nothing I can do about it."

"I know, I know. It's horrible, isn't it?" Stewie replied, having heard what Stan had said. "I mean, the stress that 9-year old Jewish kid went through...noo one, not even adults should have to go through that. That was...that was just unpleasent and ridiculous."

"Totally. No wonder he had a heart attack."

"Yeah, and to think that later today I was gonna plow that ass." Stewie continued to ramble on about how he was going to have anal sex with Kyle, which totally disgusted Stan.

"Dude, are you nuts?"

"What!?"

"He just had a heart attack and you're thinking aboout anally humping him!?"

"Oh yeah, my father takes 500+ pictures of his naked private parts and then jacks off to those pictures everyday and _you're _lecturing _me_ about sex!?"

"Yeah, it's just wrong considering...wait, how many pictures?"

While Stan and Stewie were talking, Dr. Hartman came out holding a clipboard, and looking very dissatisfied. Everyone stood up and gathered around him to hear the news.

"How is he, Dr. Hartman?" Lois asked first.

"Oh it's not looking good. Not at all." Dr. Hartman said as he shook his head.

"Is my baby going to live!?" Mrs. Broflovski shrieked, practically crying in Mr. Broflovski's shoulder.

"Well, it's too early to tell. Mrs. Broflovski, your son had the most massive heart attack I've ever seen in any of my patients, and I usually don't have patients who have heart attacks unless they're either morbidly obese or Mexican. I ran all sorts of tests on him. He had a resting heart rate of 136. That's extremely high for a boy his age. Hi-His blood pressure was off the charts, he has a fever of 104, and I did an MRI on him and his muscle cells were filled with 85% toxic wastes, and his blood vessels were filled with 70% wastes."

"Oh my god. My baby could've died!"

"How the hell did he get in this bad of a condition. It just seems medically impossible."

"You can ask my husband when he gets here." Lois commented, crossing her arms. "He should be here in a couple of hours."

"Why so long."

"He now has the impression that he's _The Flash _and is trying to run at super speed. What an idiot."

"You really should take him to a mental hospital, there is something not right with that man,"

"You tell me."

"Now, I'm gonna go back inside and run some more tests on him. He's resting peacefully, but you mustn't make any loud noises to wake him up. His body is already tense enough, if he gets any more tense, who knows what'll happened? He could have a nervous breakdown or something."

"What would happen then?"

"Well, his brain would be overloaded from all of this tension, his body may start working imporperly, and his mental state would be as good as gone."

"You know, in that scenario, it might not be so bad." Stewie commented, still sitting with Stan. "I've always wanted my own personal servant, after all."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Stewie sitting in a fancy chair, drinking out of a sippy cup, wearing a king's uniform. He picks up a bell and rings it loudly. "Pig boy!" He yells as he rings it. Kyle Broflovski, in nothing but his underwear and hat, comes rushing in._

_"Yes, your lordship!?" He xclaims as he kneels down._

_"I need a refill. Oh and put some ice in it this time." Stewie tossed the cup to Kyle. "I don't want to be drinking warm soda. Only Russians do that."_

_"Right away, sir." Kyle saluted as he ran back into the kitchen to get Stewie a drink. When he returned, Stewie was very pleased._

_"Great. Now take your pants off and shake your ass for me."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"Ok dude, you are seriously f#cked up in the head."

"Yeah...well, at least I'm not fat." On the word "fat", Peter Griffin came into the waiting room, looking very intoxicated and very worn down.

"Peter, where the hell have you been?" Lois asked him as soon as he sat down next to her.

"Well, Lois, while I was out there on the cold and lonely streets, I got to thinking...wow, that kid...that highly attractive kid....he's in the hospital...because of me. I may never get the chance to have sex with him!" Peter began to bawl his eyes out, crying for all the wrong reasons. Everyone was flabbergasted, including Brian.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" He asked him. "Are you still gay deep down!?"

"HAHAHAHA, that is so...yes, I am. I guess the gay gene didn't exactly wear off fully. Anyway, since I felt so badly for him, I decided to make it up to him."

"Well, that's very mature of you, Peter. IU guess you've grown out of your little shinanigans phase, haven't you?"

"Yes I have. That's why I hired a marching band of drunks and gays to play "When the Saints go Marching in" right into his room. He'll be so happy."

"NO, Peter, you can't. He's not supposed to be woken up. We finally got him to go to sleep."

"So?"

"So, you can't blast a bunch of gays into some little kid's room and not expect him to be irritated."

"But Lois, he's always cranky and irritable and uptight. Why are you worried about him now?"

"Because, Peter, he's irritable and cranky because of what he's been through thanks to _your _shenanigans this past week. What did you expect would happen?"

"I don't know, Lois. And frankly, I really don't care. I have a marching band to conduct." Peter went right outside, where there were at least 40 people outside with trumpets, trombones, drumbs, and batons waiting. "OK, guys, are you ready?"

"Ready for what?" One of them asked.

"To play. We're gonna entertain a dying 9-year old boy."

"Wait...wait, you mean with these instruments!?"

"Yeah."

"Oh I thought these for show."

"No, we're playing. You mean to tell me _none_ of you have ever played any of these instruments before!?"

"Uh-uh."

"Man, that's bull, man."

"Hey, I missed my book club for this!" Another one said. "We were gonna discuss _The Sisters of the Traveling Pants_."

"Is that a book all about vaginas and how they work?" Peter asked stupidly, angering everyone there. Furious, they all decided to drop the instruments on the ground and leave angrily, cursing Peter under their breaths. Feeling defeated, Peter trudged back inside.

* * *

Everyone was now inside Kyle's hospital room. Kyle was fast asleep, for the first time in over a week, and all of the kids were gathered around his bed (except for Stewie, who was laying comfortable right next to him). Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski couldn't help but worry over him. They also couldn't help but be pissed at Peter for what he did the minute he walked in the door.

"You!" Screamed Mrs. Broflovski. "You did this to my son! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"WHat? What did I do!?" Peter asked, completely oblivious to what he has done.

"You've violated my son's sexual privacy and drove him mad."

"Um, excuse me, miss, but that was his own fault. _He_ chose to be uptight about this, and _he_ chose to let it get to him so much. Everyone else can deal with my idiocy, but _he_ chose to be indifferent and he let it get to him."

"That's a bunch of crap!"

"You know, Sheila, I hate to admit it, but Peter has a point." Lois pointed out, which did surprise everyone in the room, even Brian. "Although I believe my husband did go overboard with his tactis--and trust me Peter, you did, ultimately, it was Kyle's choice to get so worked up over it and stress out over it. I mean, it's not like Peter did something stupid like take pictures of his private parts or anything..." Lois shared this laugh with no one, as she was the only one oblivious to the fact that Peter had been taking pornographic pictures of Kyle' ass all week long.

"Uh, actually, Lois--"

"You did, didn't you."

"Oh yeah, big time."

"Peter, how could you!? It's a 9-year old boy!?" Lois shrieked to Peter, while still trying to keep her voice low enough so it wouldn't wake Kyle up.

"Lois, I was injected with the gay gene. It didn't wear off completely, so I grew attracted to this kid."

"You and me both." Stewie muttered to himself, softly enough so no one could hear him.

"Besides, I also thought he was my son, so I wanted to remember him by something."

"Well, pictures are one thing, but Peter, you completely invaded this kid's privay."

"Lois, you cannot stand there and tell me that this kid is not attractive. His butt is as firm as a ham, and you know I have a fetish for hams. You can even ask one of his friends. I'm sure one of them has seen it. Right, kid?" He turned to Stan, who simply looked at Peter angrily and crossed his arms.

"I'm not going to answer that."

"Ohhhh. I see. I see how you Muslims gets when us Caucassians and whites insult your kind."

"No! No, dude, I'm not going to answer that because 1) that's disgusting and perverted, and 2) it'll make me sound like a gay person."

"You say that like being a homosexual is a bad thing." Stewie interveined, still resting comfortably next to Stan, making him confused. At that moment, Dr. Hartman came back into the room, looking very grim.

"Dr. Hartman, what's wrong?" Mrs. Broflovski asked him as soon as he came in. He went straight to Kyle, so Stan jumped off the bed and made room.

"Mrs. Broflovski, I'm afraid it's not looking good." He said grimmly as he looked at his clipboard. "I'm afraid he's failed all of my tests. His lung capacity is minimal, his heart is beating out of control, his blood pressure is unmeasurable...my god, this is the sickest patient I've ever had since that fat guy in Mexico."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Monterrey, Mexico, where Dr. Hartman is entering an apartment building so he can see his next patient. He is with another Doctor._

_"Now I must warn you, Dr. Hartman, he is not of your usual criteria, so he may be difficult to handle." He warned Dr. Hartman._

_"Sir, I have cared for the top celebrities in the world. What the hell couldn't possibly be in my criteria?" He chuckled as they entered the apartment. He was stunned, however, to see the 1,200 pound man sitting in the bed when he entered the room._

_(End Cutaway)_

"I'm sorry, everyone. But right now, it's not looking good for little Kyle. At this point we can only pray for a miracle to happen, otherwise it's as good as over."

"No! This can't be!" Sheila cried out, bawling her eyes out.

"No! N-Not now!" Stan cried out, tears swelling up in his eyes. Almost everyoe in the room was emotional (with the exceptions of Chris & Peter, Chris, because his deformed mental state prevented him from crying when needed, and Peter, well...because he was too f#cking retarded to even know what was going on). Chris, despite not showing phsyical signs of emotion, understood that things were looking bad, and he went over to comfort Stan.

"There, there, buddy. It's OK. It'll be OK. As time goes by, you'll get over it, like dad did when his hamster died."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Peter Griffin pouring fish food into his fish bowl. The problem is that his fish is dead and he doesn't want to admit it._

_"Here you go, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides." He said in tears as he continued to pour fish food into the bowl. "It's okay, you don't have to eat it now. You're just sleeping. You'll eat it later! You'll eat it later, Lieutenant Shiny-Sides!" He then starts bawling like a baby, while still pouring food into the bowl._

_(End Cutaway)_

"Look, maybe this is supposed to happen. Mayeb you're supposed to learn something from this."

"What the hell am I supposed to learn from a fat retarded guy?"

"Simple. Fat retards are ruining this country."

"But you're fat too."

"At leeast I still have my dignity." A moment later, Chris's cell phone began to ring, so he answered it. "Talk to me. OK, one sec, --" He turned to Stan. "Sorry, I have to take this." And then he moved to the other side of the bed, while Stan and Dr. Hartman started talking. Of course, while they were talking about Kyle, Chris was on the phone talking about Terrance and Phillip.

"Dr. isn't there anything you can do to make Kyle get better?"

"Son, I've done every single thing in my power to try and help your little friend, but medical science has only come so far."

"Oh hi, sir, what can I do for you?"

"But Kyle's my best friend! I've known him my entire life! I can't lose him now! Not like this."

"Look, if there was a way to make him get better, I would do it. But his condition is so severe there's no telling what would happen."

"No, dammit, we've been over this! I sold the show to _you_ so _you_ could use it."

"So this is how it ends, isn't it?" Stan was now practically crying. "In a hospital bed in a coma caused by a fat guy."

"Yeah, that's life. What are you gonna do?"

"I want no part of the show!"

"And there's nothing you can do to save him?"

"I'm sorry, son."

"You're missing the point! It's the worst possible show on television, and there's no way you people would like it! Uh-uh. O-OK. OK, I-I'll tell them. O-OK, thank y-thak you." He hung up his cell phone. By now, he was talking so loudly that everyone couldn't help but stare at him. "Good news everyone, the Terrance & Phillip show is back on!"

Terrance and Phillip immediately started cheering, happy that they weren't cancelled. The news was even good enough to brign Kyle back from the brink...but only ever so slightly.

For a moment he had no heartbeat, but upon Chris's words being spoken, his heartbeat became extremely faint, but visible, meaning the heart monitor picked up on it. Everyone was estatic.

"Dude, he's alive!" Stan cried out in excitement, overjoyed to see Kyle still alive. He didn't care if people thought he was a gay person, he leaped out and hugged Kyle anyway. Stewie remained unphased, though on the inside, he was happy. Dr. Hartman couldn't believe what he was seeing. So he left the room to regain his composure.

"I can't believe it!" Kenny exclaimed. "Terrance & Phillip are back on the air!!"

"Yeah, and all it took was to sell the Canadian TV network "Handi-quacks"!" He shouted, cheering. Peter, however, was annoyed.

"Wow, that's gr-"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, h-h-ha-hang on. Hang on." Peter said, stopping Stan. Peter was very angry. "What did you just say?"

"I sold "Handi-quacks" to the Canadian TV network?" Chris replied, hoping he was correct. Unfortunately, he was, and Peter wasn't happy about it.

"How. Dare. You." He muttered.

"What? What's the proble."

"Chris, I designed that show for American, because Americans understand our brand of comedy. Everyon knows the Canadians were involved with the attack on Pearl Harbor."

"We're right here, you know!" Phillip said.

"Oh yeah, hey Carter. Anyway, I'm very pissed off at you! That show was special to me, and you just gave it away like that!"

"Dad, Terrance and Phillip were going under and I gave the show to the network in hopes that it would be so bad to the Canadians that they were turn to Terrance & Phillip for comfort!"

"That's a bunch of bullsh#t! Chris, you had no right to take Handi-Quacks away from me without my permission! It's just-"

"Ohhhhhh, so me taking a show you created and selling it to Canada..." He took out a check that was worth $350,000 (Canadian Dollars, unknown to him) "...worth one Jerry Lewis house is wrong, but violating a 9-year old's sexual privacy, taking pictures of his ass, and sending them to ever one in town is OK?"

Brian walked over to Chris and took the check out of his hands, and studied it carefully. "Chris, this is in Canadian dollars. It's worth absolutely nothing here."

"Oh." Chris moaned in depression.

"Sorry about that Chris." Peter said to his son, patting him on the shoulder. "But you know something...you are absolutely right."

"I am...I am?"

"Yes. I-I learned something today. For far too long now, our children have been exposed to such bastards! And as time goes by, those bastards are becoming older and older, and are destroying our society from the inside out."

"That's right, Peter."

"It's not fair to our children to live in a world like this, and it's not fair for us parents, either. That is why from this day forth..." When Peter said that he 'learned something today', he was not referring to the incidents he was in involving Kyle. "...I promise to recycle my trash, drive hybrids, turn off electricity when I'm not using, and most importantly, fight against greenhouse gases. Because a cleaner world is a better world." He stood there, arms crossed, waiting for a standing ovation. But instead, he got disgusted, shocked, and annoyed looks from everyone in the room.

"Are you f#cking serious!?" Brian asked him in rage, hopping for an answer.

"Sphinter. That is my response to your question." Peter replied before crossing his arms again in triumph. For a moment, everything was quiet, until Meg pointed out,

"Dad, I'm sorry, but this episode just feels imcomplete to me. Like, something's missing." Meg took a good look around, and then realized that Kenny was still alive. "Oh, that's it." She then went over to him and started beating up him mercilessly. Peter and Lois immediately ran over to stop him.

"Meg, stop it!" Lois shouted, pulling her away. "What's wrong with you!?"

"Yeah, have we taught you nothing!? You can't just beat him up with your fists. I'm disappointed in you." Peter said, making Meg feel bad, until he showed her that he was wearing giant boots. "You have to use your feet, hun, or else you ruin the spirit of the holiday." This caught even Lois off-guard. But then, it made sense when Peter walked up to Kenny and started stomping on him mercilessly. Soon, even Chris joined in.

_So let the stomping fun begin  
Bash their weaselly skulls right in  
It's tradition, that makes it OK_

Chris & Peter continued to stomp on Kenny until he was good and bloodied and dead.

_Hey everyone it's Weasel Stomping  
(We'll have some fun on Weasel Stomping)  
Put down your gun it's Weasel Stomping Day_

_Hip-hip-hooray it's Weasel Stomping Day!  
(Weasel Stomping Day)_

"Oh my god! They killed Kenny!" Stan shouted, a line he normally spoke after every one of Kenny's trademark deaths. Normally, Kyle would then speak "You bastards!!" but seeing he was unconscious, he did not, and instead Stewie spoke.

"So? He's Kenny McCormick. He dies all the time. That's why your show is now only popular with the Irish."

**End of Chapter 9!**

**Well, this is the official last chapter of the story, but I have an epilogue coming soon. So look for that. Reviews and opinions are more than welcome, so post away!**

**Next Time: Epilogue**

**Expected Update: May 17th (I'm going back to school tomorrow so I won't be able to update as quickly now)**

**Next Update: Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park -- May 17th.**


	10. Epilogue

**Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)**

**Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye**

**A/N: I really appreciate all of the reception my Crossover Episode series has been getting since the start of the year. Apparently, I've finally done something that doesn't suck. (Cause let's face it: The "Puffed up Family Guy" series sucked balls, didn't it.) Anyway, thanks again for the reviews, and please keep them coming. And, if you have any requests for future episodes you may want to see, do not hesitate to ask.**

**A/N: This chapter will be rated PG-DLSV for its sexual content. Viewer discretion is advised.**

**Disclaimer: _South__Park _and_ Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to _Matt Stone & Trey Parker _and _Seth MacFarlane_ respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLSV**

* * *

**Epilogue**

Kyle remained in the hospital for exactly one week after that. He repeatedly switched from consciousness to unconsciousness throughout the week. But once he was stable and able to remain awake at will, Dr. Hartman decided that the best thing for him would be to go home and continue his recovery. This required a lot of bedrest for at least 2-3 weeks.

So after Kyle came home from the hospital, he was immediately put right into his pajamas and put to bed. He still had a great deal of difficulty staying awake for long. His friends (excluding Kenny because Kenny had died) along with Stewie and Brian returned home with him to make sure he would get settled in.

"Now Kyle, the doctor said that you're going to need to stay in bed for a while." Mrs. Broflovski told her son when they put him into bed. "Just because you're out of the hospital now doesn't mean you're all better."

"Uh..." Was all Kyle had the strength to say to his mother.

"Oh my poor baby. Don't worry, we'll make sure nothing else happens."

"In the meantime..." Gerald said, putting a glass of water on his dresser. "Make sure you drink plenty of water, and..." He ran outside into the hallway and then rolled in a small screened TV. "A little being-sick treat for you."

"Aw man, you're lucky." Cartman whined. "I never get a TV in my room!"

"Dude, knock if off. It's not like this is forever. It's just 'cause he's sick." Stan mentioned, which Cartman didn't buy at all.

"Yeah right. Kyle's not sick. Jews can't get sick."

"You know what, you don't know nothin' about Jews!" Stewie shouted to him, getting angry at his idiocy. "You're turning into a sCHtick in the mud."

"Well at least I'm truth--wait, what did you say?"

"I said you're a sCHtick in the mud, like your little friend here." Stewie was referring to Kyle. Brian started hitting his head on the wall in frustration.

"OK, dude, you're a little butt-licker. Why don't you shut the f#ck up?" Cartman barked angrily, before taking his leave without looking back. No one, though, took any notice to this, as they really didn't give a crap for Cartman.

"Hey, you're the one that's fat."

"So, uh...anyway, sorry about what happened to you, kid." Brian told Kyle, who was regaining some consciousness. It was clear that he was in no shape to be doing anything.

"That's OK. W-We do things like this all the time." Kyle commented, straining his voice as he talked.

"Yeah, but th-this is...I mean, this is just messed up, don't you think?"

"Of course I do."

"Look, Kyle, don't worry about it. We're gonna stay by your side until you get better." Stan assured him. He gave him a reassuring smile, to which Kyle replied back with a smile.

"Thanks, dude."

"Hey, that's what friends are for."

"Hey, this might be a good time for all the Muslims to go to the bathroom." Stewie commented, knowing that unless he said something, the scene would turn mushy.

"GUYS! GUYS!" Chris yelled as he ran into the room. "Turn on the TV! They're talking about Terrance & Phillip!" Brian put on the TV and turned on the news.

"_And finally, on Television news,_" Tom Tucker said on the news. "_Canadian Television. It can make you angry, it can make you cry. But now, it seems like it can make you **quack**. At least, that's what the Canadian TV network is sayingv about its newest adopted American show, **Handi-quacks**."_

"Ha! Here we go!" Chris said, rubbing his hands together in triumph.

"_What was made to ge tanother show off the chopping block...instead sent it deeper down, since last night's premiere of **Handi-quacks** gathered just over 9 million viewers, a record for Canadian Television."_

"See that? Record-breaking show. I told you my plan would w--WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!?!?" Chris moaned the word 'What' (in a similar fashion to what he did in **A Picture is Worth 1,000 Bucks,** and **Jungle Love**), obviously shocked at this revelation.

"_Local fat boy Christopher Griffin allegedly sold the rights to **Handi-quacks**, a show he states that he created with his father, Peter Griffin, to the Canadian TV network, allowing them complete control over its production. The network has said that they plan to produce the series in Stop-motion, having already licensed 22 episodes for its first season, and has already been renewed through season 3."_

"I don't believe this!" Chris shouted to the TV, just as angry as everyone else in the room (Excluding Stewie of course). "I sold them that show to get Terrance & Phillip's popularity back, but instead I turned it into a 1970's Negros classic!"

"Nice going, fatass!" Stan yelled to Chris. "Now we could lose our favorite TV show!"

"Personally, I'm glad those two are going under." Brian said.

"Yeah, those two are a bunch of douches." Stewie agreed.

"What? Are you serious!?"

"How can you say something like that!?" Chris shouted to Brian and Stewie, angry at their hatred towards the show.

"Chris, all they do for the entire episode is fart in each other's faces. I mean, there's no real plot to the story."

"But that's what makes it funny." Kyle pointed out.

"What the hell is funny about two Canadians farting in each other's faces. I'll tell you: nothing is. OK, the only way it's funny is if it's watched by Irish people. OK? OK, th-that's the only way it's funny. 'Cause nobody likes Irish people. Screw them. They're-They're just a bunch of drunken idiots. Yo-You think farts are funny? Huh? You think farts are funny? Well screw that. They're not funny." Everyone turned to Stewie, confused and perplexed beyound belief. "What?" Not wanting to start an argument, Brian, Stan, and Chris left the room, leaving only Stewie to look after the sick Kyle. "So...uh, crazy couple of weeks, huh?"

"Yeah, probably the craziest of my life." Kyle said back, closing his eyes halfway so as not to strain them.

"Who would've thought that someone so fat could cause such mayhem, hurt, and whatever that thing that the Polish people do after Church." Stewie turned the channel on the TV to a channel that was showing a episode of "Looney Toons" that had just finished. "Oh god, you know what I hate about these shows? Is that they show the date in which the episode was made in 'Noman Rumernals'. M-Most Americans can't understand Noman Rumernals and yet they still show it."

"Yeah, well that's--wait, what?"

"I said, they're showing the date in Noman Rumernals."

"Don't you mean Roman Numerals?"

"Yeah, Noman Rumenals."

"Roman Numerals!"

"Noman Rumernals."

"Ugh, you're a real dick, you know that!?" Kyle snickered, entertaining Stewie.

"Yeah, I am."

"No, I'm serious. You're a real dick. You're just like your dad. You never think before you speak, and when you do f#cking speak, you blurt out some of the dumbest stuff anyone could possibly say!"

And even though Kyle was being a sCH--I mean, stick in the mud at that moment, he was absolutely right, because the next thing Stewie said was "Can I wham my Boingo Oingo in your Velvet Underground?"

* * *

And it turns out, he did. Later that night, Kyle and Stewie...for unexplained reasons, ended up having sex with each other. Both of them were pretty quiet about it, though they did not appear to have resented it. The two of them were naked, lying in Kyle's bed together.

"Wow, uh..." Stewie was quite uneasy after his little affair with Kyle. "That was...that was...I don't even know if there are words to describe what that was."

"Yeah."

"Who knew adolescence sex was the best kind of sex out there?" Stewie and Kyle both fiddled around for a little while by themselves. They were quite uncomfortable with the fact that they had just slept with each other and now they have no idea what to do. "Hey listen, I don't know if you knew this, but...uh, you have a hemorrhoid." Kyle looked surprised by this statement. "Yeah, you have a major hemmorhoid on your ass. Yeah, it's bad, man. I think I poked it a couple of times when I was banging ya."

"But...But you didn't stop."

"Your point is?"

"Dude, you are really sick, you know that!?"

"Hey, if not me, then who? Who would've f#cked you in that ham ass of yours? 'Cause let me tell you, that whole sCHtick in the mud routine not only makes you annoying and obnoxious, but it turns the girls off. And I mean in their vagina, not in their heads." Stewie was trying to get Kyle to stop being such a "stick in the mud", as he believed him to be (and personally, I agree). But their argument was soon interrupted by some hardthumping outside the wall.

They soon saw a tall ladder moving around rambunciously near Kyle's window before it finally settled right in the middle. The strange part was that Kyle's window was already open, which was strange, because who the hell would keep a window open when they're having sex?

They soon discovered that it was Butters who was climbing up the ladder, while holding $2,000 in one hand, and a poster of his parents in the other. (Ironically, he was still in his Professor Chaos outfit).

"Hey guys!" He said firmly as he was panting for air, not even noticing they were naked.

"Butters, what the f#ck!?" Kyle shouted to him, covering himself with the blanket. "We're doing something here!"

"See, Kyle, _this_ is what I was talking about earlier. This whole uptight, sCHtick in the mud routine is not gonna earn you any friends."

"Oh w-well that's OK, Kyle. I don't really mind that you two are having sex." Butters commented. "In fact, it actually does my heart warm. See, my arms were born short and I have no scrotum."

"What?"

"Wait, you can't touch yourself? How do you masturbate?" Stewie asked.

"My dad touches me for me. But, sometimes, he tends to go way too far and I usually pass out from all the sperm that comes out." Stewie and Kyle looked at each other and ponder on an awkward note for a moment. "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm raising the reward to $2,000 to anyone who has information leading my parents' safe return."

Stewie took one good look at the $2,000 in Butters' hands. He knew what he could do with that kind of money. So, he quietly got out of bed, and slowly put his diaper, and his yellow shirt on, not even bothering with the overalls. Then, he walked over calmly to Butters. "I killed your parents." Stewie said calmly as he took the money from Butters' hands and pushed the ladder off the building. Butters screamed as the ladder fell. Ironically, it was long enough so it could reach right to Cleveland's house.

The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when the ladder crashed into it, and when it did, the debree from his house fell. He was in the bathtub when this happened, and as the ladder and Butters fell to the ground, so did the debree that was holding up the floorboard.

The floorboard slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. Cleveland simply sat there, dazed, while Butters made a run for it.

**The End.**

**Well, I hope you enjoyed that. This was my favorite story to write ever. So be nice about it and keep reviewing!**

**Next Time: The Griffins meet the half boy-half ghost that took Nickelodeon by storm. No, I'm not talking about Ben Stiller or Regis Philbin! Idiots!**

**Expected Update: June 15th.**

**Next Update: Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!--May 21st. (This, keep in mind, will also be a crossover fanfiction with Family Guy. But, it is not officially part of the "Family Guy's Road Trip" fanfiction series.)**


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